“Why can’t you go for a nice engineer type?” – Mom

Re: My penchant for non-committal wandering musician/artist/writer/manchildren.

Cause I don’t want to, Ma. Cause I’m a non-committal wandering womanchild. Cause musician/artist/writer/manchildren are hottt.

On a slightly related note, I’m reading The Paris Wife right now and loving it because I’ve always liked to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with Ernest Hemingway. You know that man was crazy talented and funny and enigmatic, but maddeningly cocky and self-centered. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to date that guy? We’ve all met dudes like this. Paula McLain just makes it so real. So real. You should check it out, especially if you also have a love/hate relationship with that irresistible asshole too. Sigh.

 

In which one song makes me think about cheerleading, ballet flats, and a sex bet.

Isn’t it awesome how songs just assign themselves to life events? Minor or major. You hear a song and you’re back in a place so specific.

Weezer. Only in Dreams.

Instantly I’m in 10th grade and us cheerleaders are changing into our uniforms for the basketball game and my friend and I are talking about how we love this song. Especially the part where he sings, “You say it’s a good thing that you float in the air, that way there’s no way I will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces.” We were sixteen and ate that line up. I still love that line.

This opens up a pandora’s box of memories involving random things that happened around that time. Things that seemed to so important to me then, but that I haven’t thought about in forever.

I think about these black ballet flats with little bows on them. They were my favorite shoes because Teen Vogue told me they were the hottt new thing and I was obsessed. I think about how I always forgot to bring shoes to change into for P.E. class. I forgot so often that I got written up for it and had to eat lunch in a classroom for a couple of days and that was the most delinquent thing I ever did in high school. (Actually at school anyway LOLOL).

I think about how this guy in my P.E. class made a bet with one of his friends about how long it would take for him to sleep with me. I still laugh about it because I was this American Eagle wearing goody two-shoes and he was this Etnies clad sk8r boi.  Some real Avril Lavigne shit. I remember writing in my journal about him and how I liked his new haircut. Of course I was suddenly into this dude because when you’re sixteen you’re blindly  infatuated with anyone who shows interest in you. I wasn’t mad about the bet at all. I was itching to change my image and he was just the guy to help me do it. I started imagining how we’d listen to Taking Back Sunday and go to Warped Tour together and I’d start shopping at PacSun. All of a sudden my life was straight out of a Degrassi episode and I was mad pleased.

Long story short,  he didn’t win the bet , my virtue was still intact, and I never got to go to Warped Tour.

…..And then the song’s over and I’m not talking to my friend about music and kissing boys and cheering anymore. I have no idea where she is now. I don’t know what her life is like or if she still listens to Weezer and remembers that conversation too. I’m not in my dainty little ballet flats crushin’ on some Tom DeLonge wannabe.

And I’m way cool with that.

How To Play Hard To Get

When you know someone has their sights set on you, the last thing you want to do is make it easy for them to get to know you or talk to you or touch you or even blink at you. Why would you want that? Why?

My default setting is hard to get. Not “playing” hard to get. Just hard to get. I don’t know how to get and others don’t know how to get me. It just comes naturally. I don’t even have to try. *brushes shoulders off*

Here are some helpful tips if you’d like to stay single forever and want guys to think you’re batshit bonkers:

When you meet a guy at a bar, don’t bat your eyelashes or smile or do any of that charming shit. Instead, look at him as if you’ve got his balls in a vice and are on the verge of completely obliterating his manhood if he so much as even breathes in your direction.

You know that move guys do where they oh so gently place their hand on your lower back, maybe to guide you or maybe just to have some kind of physical contact? This is territorial as fuck and if it makes you turn into a wild-eyed caged animal, I totes understand. This is so easy to handle, though. All you have to do is let your instincts kick in and claw his eyes out, much like a feral cat facing potential domestication. Want a less…violent option? Lean in and seductively whisper in his ear, “Your touch makes me sick” and then throw up on his feet.

The other night, this dude grabbed my hand to lead me through a crowded bar and I had to fight the urge to be like “Uh, does it look like I don’t know how to walk through some people? I’m not like a four year old needing help crossing the street, bro.” If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, simply dig your talons deep into his palm until you’re able to feel his blood oozing all over (and ruining) your hot pink manicure. Bastard. Or you can just let go of his hand. Whatever.

Maybe you’re dealing with a guy who likes to ask you questions about your life and talks about things that matter and offers to get you a water when you’ve had too much to drink and you’re like “Oh, he’s so niiiiiice. Even though I’m not really feeling it, I can’t be mean to him! He cares!” Yeah, okay. If you’re not feeling it, don’t make him feel like you’re feeling it. You feel me? Just give him your number and then ignore his texts because you’re not mean at all!!! Teeheeheehee.

Can’t wait for us all to die alone together! ❤

What His Body Language Really Means! (If I wrote for Cosmo…)

Body language is everything. But men are soooo confusing! Don’t worry, ladies, we here at Cosmo have compiled this list of common male body language that is basically repeating what we have said about male body language in every single issue of this magazine since it’s birth. We’ve switched some of the wording up and added a little cheekiness because we know you girls are tre sassy!

Whispering in your ear??? So naughty!!!!

His right shoulder is always pointing due North. This guy is a keeper. Studies show that men who position the right side of their bodies in a Northerly direction are very reliable and often act as anchors in relationships. Bonus: since us lady folk are always getting lost, this dude is like our own little compass! Not sure what a compass is? Think of it as an old timey GPS.

He reaches for your hand all the time. Ughhh isn’t this the worst when men actually want to hold hands in public? This guy tends to have a great deal of emotional needs, so make sure you’re ready to do all kinds of romantic stuff together. Picnic in the park? Moonlit serenade? ROSES SENT TO YOUR WORKPLACE? …Don’t say you weren’t warned.

He blinks three times and waves to you from across the bar. This boy takes playing hard to get to a whole other level. With this one, it’s best to try to beat him at his own game. Turn around verrrry slowly and sprint to the bathroom, where you will hide out forever. All night he’ll wonder where “that mysterious girl” went.

He texts you, wanting to hang out. He wants to hang out. But you’ll probably want to second guess this and convince yourself that he hates you and he meant to text someone else. Better not reply, just to be safe.

He doesn’t text you, wanting to hang out. He does not want to hang out. However, he might just need a little push. Text him at five minute intervals with cute little phrases like “Hey” “What’s up?” “Whatcha doin?” “How r u?” “Where r u?” “Nevermind, I know where u r cuz I’m right behind u LOLZ :)”

He stoops his shoulders. The jury’s still out on this one, but there’s a distinct possibility that he’s either very sad or has scoliosis.

He says goodbye to you with a quick peck on the lips. He’s ready to get the hell away from you. He’s pulling away emotionally, so be very careful how you approach this situation. We recommend throwing a tantrum a la Veruca Salt. Wear him down. Annoy the shit out of him.

He bids farewell with an elaborate handshake. FRIENDZONED. Especially if it’s topped off with a chest bump and a “Later, bro.” But hey, men and women can’t be just friends. He’d totally still bone you if you asked.

Join us next month when we tell you what his favorite sex position means! We think you’ll be pleasantly surprised! You’ll definitely want to come back for more! 😉 xoxo

 

How To Get A Man of Your Very Own

So you’ve met someone and you want to smash your face and body up against their face and body? But you might want to do more than that, too? Like talk and hold hands and all that other really cute stuff that’s only cute if you’re the one doing it? Here’s how to make this happen:

1. Do your recon. This means facebook stalk the living daylights out of this person. So they went flyfishing in the Adirondacks last summer, eh? Better study up, because as far as they’re concerned you love to fish. Fishing is your life. Now, if it ever comes up you can wow them with your knowledge of lines and casts and lures and what the hell am I talking about? But what if they ask you to go fishing sometime and then discover you’re a total fraud and they leave you stranded in the Adirondacks to die?  Don’t worry, just wear something short and cleavage-baring. “Silly me! It’s been so long since I’ve done this. Maybe you could refresh my memory? Heeheehee look at me bat my eyelashes! Look down my shirt! Maybe you should stand behind me and show me how to hold the fishing pole! Heeheehee I’m a woman!”

2. Start up a conversation. This convo will probably take place via facebook or text. You’ll need to spend about five hours composing, “Great meeting you the other night! Maybe I’ll see you out again sometime :)” Then, you’ll need to ask a minimum of three friends if this is too annoying or if it just needs something else. Then, you should read over it ten times, hover over the send button for one minute, and close your eyes while you press it. Next, you’ll do one of two things: if this was a text, you’ll throw your phone across the room because oh my god they’re going to think you’re so dumb and if your phone is broken you will never have to face this thing again OR sit and stare at your phone or computer screen, gradually getting angrier and angrier when they don’t respond right away. You’ll probably curse the day they were born and say they better be lying in a ditch somewhere or having dinner with their grandparents because what else could be more important than you??

3. Set up a casual encounter. That is, if all has gone well in the previous step. This meet-up must happen at a bar in a group setting with lots o’ liquid courage. Every shot you take equals 30 minutes of shameless flirtation. Drink up, dollface, it’s your time to shine. Be careful, though. You still need to maintain a cool, mysterious exterior. Where alcohol is involved, there is a fine line between, “Oh, hi” and “OH HEY BOI I LOVE YOU LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES!” Also remember that where alcohol is involved, there is a distinct possibility that face and/or body smash will happen. This is all on you, but I’d advise to take a cue from Ciara and keep the goodies in the jar at this point.

4. Go on a real date. Real date meaning you wear a pretty dress and your favorite perfume and you’re so nervous you want to roll around on the floor and pull all your hair out. They pick you up and take you to dinner where you talk about where you’re from originally and where you work and do you like it or not blah blah blah small talk. Then you go to a movie or go for a walk or you do both of those things. This step is crucial if you want this to become a more-than-physical relationship. Shit gets real on a real date. The real date is where you determine if you want it to get really real. For real.

5. Enter cloud nine. You swear that this person is the most greatest most awesomest most beautifulest angel descended from the heavens. Your friends want to punch you in the ovaries because you won’t shut the eff up about it.

This process could take between one week and ten years.

Good luck! Kisses!

The 4 Types of Men That I Go For

Deny it all you want, but everyone has a type. Or, if you’re like me, multiple types. Although these aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, all will definitely be emotionally unavailable and probably have dark hair.

1. The Quasi-Nerd.  I say quasi because I’m not talking a full-on Revenge of the Nerds guy, but more of a Seth Cohen-esque geek. He’s super smart and witty and will know exactly what I mean when I say that the tenth doctor is my favorite. He is highly skilled at wordplay and our banter would be never ending. He probably wears t-shirts with geometrical designs on them and he also makes math jokes. We would so totally do crossword puzzles together. I had a professor once that said he and his wife did the New York Times crossword together every morning, even over skype when he was out of town. How flippin cute is that, you guys? He was such a quasi-nerd.

2. The Outdoorsman. I boggle my own mind with this one, seeing as how I am sooo not outdoorsy. Don’t get me wrong, I can totally appreciate nature’s awesomeness. I read Emerson’s essay and was like, “Shit yeah, man! That’s dope!” Mountains are beautiful, but I don’t have any desire to climb them. And why on earth would I want to do something that requires me to wear a helmet and prop myself up on a giant flotation device to go rip roarin’ down the river? But these outdoorsy guys are always so…nice. They walk around and look up at the sky and just…smile! I mean, who does that?! They also wear flannel every day (even in the summertime somehow) and usually have some serious beardage going on. Score and score.

3. The Quintessential Alt-Bag. I like this guy because we’re both good at trying really hard to act like we’re not trying really hard. He has moustache wax in his medicine cabinet and wears leather jackets while leaning against old brick buildings. He listens to Joy Division on vinyl, has tattoos and probably a cat. Throw a cigarette in that mouth and I am going going gone. His faux laissez faire attitude makes me swoon so hard. This one’s the most emotionally unavailable of them all, but that’s okay because I am too! We can make this work, baby! Love will NOT tear us apart!

4. The Musician. Oh dear Lord kill me now, the musician. I love music. It is my guiding light, my North star. So it’s only natural that I develop this undying devotion to any dude that makes sweet sweet musical goodness. Sigh….guys who exercise the right side of their brains are so hot. I don’t even care what kind of instrument he plays. He could play the frickin lyre and I’d still be like, “Shall we make our way into your chamber, m’lord?” And then he’d be like, “As you wish, m’lady.” Beware, the alt-bag and musician combo is both common and dangerous, but I laugh in the face of danger!