How To Play Hard To Get

When you know someone has their sights set on you, the last thing you want to do is make it easy for them to get to know you or talk to you or touch you or even blink at you. Why would you want that? Why?

My default setting is hard to get. Not “playing” hard to get. Just hard to get. I don’t know how to get and others don’t know how to get me. It just comes naturally. I don’t even have to try. *brushes shoulders off*

Here are some helpful tips if you’d like to stay single forever and want guys to think you’re batshit bonkers:

When you meet a guy at a bar, don’t bat your eyelashes or smile or do any of that charming shit. Instead, look at him as if you’ve got his balls in a vice and are on the verge of completely obliterating his manhood if he so much as even breathes in your direction.

You know that move guys do where they oh so gently place their hand on your lower back, maybe to guide you or maybe just to have some kind of physical contact? This is territorial as fuck and if it makes you turn into a wild-eyed caged animal, I totes understand. This is so easy to handle, though. All you have to do is let your instincts kick in and claw his eyes out, much like a feral cat facing potential domestication. Want a less…violent option? Lean in and seductively whisper in his ear, “Your touch makes me sick” and then throw up on his feet.

The other night, this dude grabbed my hand to lead me through a crowded bar and I had to fight the urge to be like “Uh, does it look like I don’t know how to walk through some people? I’m not like a four year old needing help crossing the street, bro.” If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, simply dig your talons deep into his palm until you’re able to feel his blood oozing all over (and ruining) your hot pink manicure. Bastard. Or you can just let go of his hand. Whatever.

Maybe you’re dealing with a guy who likes to ask you questions about your life and talks about things that matter and offers to get you a water when you’ve had too much to drink and you’re like “Oh, he’s so niiiiiice. Even though I’m not really feeling it, I can’t be mean to him! He cares!” Yeah, okay. If you’re not feeling it, don’t make him feel like you’re feeling it. You feel me? Just give him your number and then ignore his texts because you’re not mean at all!!! Teeheeheehee.

Can’t wait for us all to die alone together! ❤

How To Answer Those Annoying Questions This Holiday Season

The holidays are upon us and you know what that means. Time to answer questions about your life that you don’t want to answer because you don’t even remotely have your shit together.

Don’t worry. I’m here to give you some tips on how to answer these questions and possibly keep anyone from asking them in the future!

The School Question

How’s school? What are you studying, again? What are you wanting to do after?

The “What are you wanting to do after?’ used to be like nails on a freaking chalkboard for me. I despised that question so much and wanted it to rot for all eternity in the fiery pits of Hell.

When these questions come along, I find it best to just stare at whoever asked it like they are criminally insane. Just stare for about 30 seconds, then softly whisper, “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” They’ll be like whaaaat?

The Job Question

How’s work? Found a job yet? Where do you work, again? Do you like it?

If you do have a job you basically just have to say “Yes,” do an about-face, and walk away. If you don’t have a job you should grab the nearest food item, shove it in your mouth, and slobber/spit/mumble that you don’t believe in working for your keep and are just hoping to hold off on the repayment of your loans for as long as you can and if you had a job how would you make time for your two favorite activities (sleeping and wallowing in your miserable existence)?

The Marriage/Commitment/Relationship/Dowry Question

So are there any boys (or girls) in your life? I know there’s got to be! You’re so *insert adjective here that describes you in a way that you are most certainly not* I bet the boys (or girls) are just lining up for you!

I think I hate this one more than any other question. I actually don’t get asked this one as much any more because I think my family is slowly beginning to give up hope that I will carry on our legacy.

There are a couple of options, here.

If you want to really throw them off, say something that will completely freak them out. Got super conservative family members? Reply with, “Well, you see, I just really don’t want to tie myself down right now. I’m enjoying a bit of a sexual revolution at the moment. Good golly, I’ve been banging so many dudes you wouldn’t believe it. Can I get an amen for free birth control? Free BC! Free BC! Everybody now! Yeah grandma, you too!  …so how’d the church bake sale go?”

Maybe you’d rather not risk giving everyone a heart attack. If this is the case, just be totally honest. “I can’t get anyone to love me because I’m not even really sure I love myself. I’ve been talking to my cat about these issues and she tells me that until I find the beauty in my own heart, I will never truly be able to give it to another. Isn’t she brilliant? I kind of wish I was a cat. Things would be so much easier if I were a cat…someone hold me.”

 

Good luck, you guys. We’ll make it through this together. Happy Holidays. Peace love straight up thug.

Be mysterious. Be a stalker. Guys love it.

I get people coming up to me all the time. Hillary, how do I make a dude like me? Hillary, how do I talk to a potential love interest? Hillary, how can I manipulate a man into thinking that the sun rises and sets in my eyes? Take a number, people, there’s plenty of advice for everyone. Although I’m practically swimming in hot men right now (like as we speak lolzz), I suppose I can manage to take a short break from being hand-fed grapes while getting fanned with giant palm fronds. All for you guys. Dr. Love is in session.

You wanna know how to keep a guy coming back for more? I got you.

Mystery.

You have got to keep his interest piqued. You can’t be like a pandora’s box of too much information. In fact, be the queen of no information at all. Give him nothing. Tell him nothing. Something I like to do is answer every question with a question. For example, if he asks you what kind of music you like, respond with “What is music?” This will drive him crazy. He’s so intrigued right now. Who is this girl, this wild mysterious girl? She doesn’t even know what music is. She’s so sheltered and that’s hot.

Stalking.

Men think it’s awesome when you find out everything there is to know about them via facebook  or Twitter. It saves them the time of having to actually tell you these things themselves. You’re golden if you’re facebook friends or  if his Twitter isn’t “protected” or whatever the hell it’s called.

Let’s start with facebook. I’m going to need you to go balls deep into this thing, alright? If you think you’re in too far, you need to go further. I’m talking, check out some pictures from back in 2008. So you accidentally “liked” this one pic of him from his high school graduation? It’s fiiiiine. Maybe you unliked it fast enough that he didn’t notice. So you freak out for days because you’re positive that he got that notification and thinks you’re batshit insane? Don’t worry, these things build character.

Now, Twitter is a little different. There isn’t quite as much information at your fingertips BUT it’s a great way to gauge how smart/funny/lazy this dude is. Next thing you know, you’ll find yourself rewording his tweets and using them as your own in the hopes that he will one day follow you and be like, “Holy shit, this chick is my one true love!”

He won’t think this stalking behavior is creepy. He’ll be totally flattered.

Texting.

The second you get a text from him (no matter what it says), freak the fuck out. Run and tell your roommate/dog/rotting jack-o-lantern sitting outside your door. Next, sit and stare at the words until they start to look like Egyptian hieroglyphs. “Hey, what’s up?” somehow becomes “@@** (*&)))” and then you’re convinced that he meant to text someone else who can understand this magical language. It must be some other girl and they created their own special language together and that asshole has the nerve to text you??? Ughhh. Text him back a few hours later and simply say, “Who is this?” This question takes it all back to Miss Mystery. God you’re good.

Dating.

There are two types of men in the world: the ones who will ask you out on a date and the ones who won’t. The ones who do want to take you out think you’re super neat-o and hope they can get in your pants after. The others are a bit squeamish when it comes to going on a legit date because they think that a date is equal to a binding contract to father your children. They are probably also cheap and say they can’t afford to take you out because will you just look at the economy?? How can you possibly expect him to wine and dine you if he’s barely scraping by after purchasing Halo 4 last weekend? If you’ve managed to gain a candlelit dinner with this type, then half of your battle has already been won.

No matter which type of guy you’re on a date with, you should still follow the same rules.

Rule #1: Let him choose the locale because you are meek and mild and know nothing of the outside world. Keep a look of childlike wonder on your face at all times and really amp it up as you’re walking into your local Chili’s. Ooooh look at the handcrafted mexican tile on these tables! Bottomless chips and salsa??? Be still your heart.

Rule #2: Passive-aggressively steer the conversation towards topics that are important to you. Ya know, things like soul mates and commitment and white picket fences and car pools and soccer games. He already thinks you’re trying to give him the ol’ ball and chain, so he’ll be relieved that his opinions of you are true, which reinforces his belief that males are always right!

Rule #3: At the end of the date, make sure he has no idea what you’re really thinking or feeling about him. Be mega awkward. Be aloof. When you’re saying goodbye to each other, maybe just stare off into the distance and act like you’re thinking about something else, like chocolate lava cake or that Christmas scented candle you bought earlier that day. This leaves him with the sense that you’re not really all that clingy and maybe he was wrong about you all along. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, BITCH.

 

Okay, hope this helps. I’ve got some hot oiled-up dudes to get back to now.

How to Talk Dirty to Your Man (If I Wrote for Cosmo…)

Whether you’re texting, emailing, talking on the phone or in person, here are some examples of what you can say to your guy that will get him so hot and bothered he won’t be able to contain himself…if you know what we mean…wink wink…you do know what we mean, right girls?

(What we mean is that all of these statements will give him an erection. Did you know that men get an average of 11 erections per day? Have we told you that fact yet? Do you even know what an erection is? Flip to page 45 for more secret penis facts!)

“What am I wearing right now? An old p.e. shirt and those faded cotton undies you love with ‘Huggable’ written on the butt. You like that well-worn look don’t you, baby?”

“Let’s do some role playing. You be Khal Drogo and I’ll be Khaleesi. Say I’m the moon of your life! Say it! Yes! Yes! YESSSS!”

“Whaddaya say we watch a litte porn tonight? A little food porn. I get Food Network with my premium satellite package.”

“Wanna come over later and we can finish that jigsaw puzzle of the Gothic cathedral? Medieval architecture gets me so hot, baby.”

“Tell you what I’m doing right now? I’m laying on my bed. I’m wearing nothing except black lace crotchless panties (I’m wearing sweatpants and  a giant t-shirt with holes in the arm pits). I’m imagining that you’re here with me (I’m trying to find something to watch on Netflix while scrolling through tumblr). Now, tell me what you want me to do (Tell me what I should watch on Netflix. Breaking Bad or Lost? And remind me to show you this gif of a bunny rabbit eating lettuce).”

“Ohh, I love it when you pull my hair….out of the shower drain when it gets clogged. Thanks, baby. That’s so hot, baby.”

“Let’s reenact that scene from 9 1/2 Weeks where young Mickey Rourke blindfolds Kim Basinger and feeds her all those different foods. But, like, minus the blindfolds because there’s a new episode of Revenge on tonight and it’s getting super intense and I can’t miss it, baby.”

“Oh! We can also reenact the scene from 9 1/2 Weeks where young Mickey Rourke runs the ice cube down Kim Basinger’s body. But, like, minus the ice cube because that would be really fucking cold, baby.”

“Sure, I’ll do a little striptease for you. How bout I cover my entire body in strips of bacon and we can eat our way to my naked flesh?”

 

How to Put Your Face On

I wrote a post a couple of months ago on how to get a man of your very own, but I realized that I left out a very key step in the process. Beautification. You can’t get a dude if you don’t cover up your real face and turn yourself into a pouty-lipped, doe-eyed vixen. Do not, I repeat, do not let him see your bare face. I know it’s unfair. I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. Don’t shoot the messenger.

But Hillary, my leader, my guide,  how ever do I do this? What is make-up? Maybe it’s Maybelline? What is beauty? 

Don’t worry, I’ll show you how disguise your real features and make yourself look the way the opposite sex has deemed attractive. It’ll be fun! You’re a blank canvas right now! Hope you’re ready to become a sexual object!

1. Pull your hair up and out of your face. Things are about to get messy and your hair is not joining the party just yet. (I’m not pinning my bangs back because I don’t want to. My forehead hasn’t seen the light of day since 2003 and it’s sure as hell not ready to now)

2. Base. Foundation. Powder. Whatever. 

Mineral foundation is, like, all the rage now and that’s what I have. It’s important to get as much powder on the brush as you can. Pile that shit on, okay? If you’re not coughing during this step, then you’re doing it all wrong. You’ll know you have enough on when you start to resemble a wax figure of yourself. (If you’re a freckle-face like me, you know that there is no covering those little suckers up. I can’t complain, though. They are so condensed at this point that I actually look kind of tan)

3. Eyeshadow.

I have this weird unhealthy obsession with my smokey eye kit. It’s not like it’s that great, really. I just paid way too much money for it, so I wear it a lot because I like feeling guilt-ridden and spoiled. Anyway, I’m using black eyeshadow because the eyes are the windows of the soul and my soul is very dark. Feel free to use whatever color you want. Maybe your soul is green or purple or navy. I don’t know your life.

 Don’t worry about making it perfect. Just toss it on there. If you look like you’ve been punched in the eye then you’ve nailed it. Next you should blend with a shimmery color. Blending is everything. BLEND.

4. Eyeliner.

Stick this pointy object near your eye with surgical-like precision. I never said this wouldn’t be dangerous. It’s time to buck up and make Cleopatra proud.

5. Mascara.

This is a magical wand that you use to put black goo on your eyelashes to make them long and clumpy. It’s my favorite beauty product by far. Make sure you use the waterproof kind. Why? Because you’re probably going to be crying later when he doesn’t call or text or send you a postcard and we can’t have you looking like there is an oil spill on your face.

6. Eyelash curler.

Use this medieval torture device to ensure maximum eyelash curliness. All the magazines will tell you to do this before applying mascara, but I like to live on the edge. Will my eyelashes get stuck inside? Who knows! No fear! Get wild!

7. Fake eyelashes.

Don’t you dare skip this step. Guys love that porn star meets Harajuku girl look. Make sure you look up at him like, “Who me? Giggle giggle giggle!”

It takes quite a bit of skill to put these on. Don’t fret. As long as they’re in the general vicinity of your eyes it’s okay. He’ll be so busy looking at your chest he won’t notice.

8. Lip gloss.

Choose something in a sparkly pinkish color. And you better lay it on thick, woman. Too much is never enough. Your lips should be so sticky that you can barely open your mouth. Men get very distracted by shiny objects. Plus, he’s not listening to anything you say anyway. Basically, you want him to look at your mouth and be like ooooh her mouth is so glossy and beautiful, I hope she lets me put my penis in there later.

Not sure if you have enough? Take your hair down and shake it back and forth in front of your face. Did some stick to your lips? YOU’RE GOLDEN.

9. Hair.

Think volume. Tease the shit out of your hair. Not Texas-teased, but pretty damn teased, alright? Tease. it. up.

Then, grab the hairspray and go to town.

I mean it.There needs to be so much hairspray in your hair that you fear for your life near an open flame. Just hope that your dinner isn’t candlelit. Like I said before, I never said beauty wasn’t dangerous.

And Voila! 

Complete your new look with a dress you can’t breathe in, shoes you can’t walk in, and then drown yourself in that perfume you got on sale at Bath & Body Works. If you feel comfortable, then you should change outfits immediately. If you can’t give him directions to your house by telling him to follow your scent, then spritz spritz spritz. Beauty is pain, girls. Nobody said this would be easy.

How To Get A Man of Your Very Own

So you’ve met someone and you want to smash your face and body up against their face and body? But you might want to do more than that, too? Like talk and hold hands and all that other really cute stuff that’s only cute if you’re the one doing it? Here’s how to make this happen:

1. Do your recon. This means facebook stalk the living daylights out of this person. So they went flyfishing in the Adirondacks last summer, eh? Better study up, because as far as they’re concerned you love to fish. Fishing is your life. Now, if it ever comes up you can wow them with your knowledge of lines and casts and lures and what the hell am I talking about? But what if they ask you to go fishing sometime and then discover you’re a total fraud and they leave you stranded in the Adirondacks to die?  Don’t worry, just wear something short and cleavage-baring. “Silly me! It’s been so long since I’ve done this. Maybe you could refresh my memory? Heeheehee look at me bat my eyelashes! Look down my shirt! Maybe you should stand behind me and show me how to hold the fishing pole! Heeheehee I’m a woman!”

2. Start up a conversation. This convo will probably take place via facebook or text. You’ll need to spend about five hours composing, “Great meeting you the other night! Maybe I’ll see you out again sometime :)” Then, you’ll need to ask a minimum of three friends if this is too annoying or if it just needs something else. Then, you should read over it ten times, hover over the send button for one minute, and close your eyes while you press it. Next, you’ll do one of two things: if this was a text, you’ll throw your phone across the room because oh my god they’re going to think you’re so dumb and if your phone is broken you will never have to face this thing again OR sit and stare at your phone or computer screen, gradually getting angrier and angrier when they don’t respond right away. You’ll probably curse the day they were born and say they better be lying in a ditch somewhere or having dinner with their grandparents because what else could be more important than you??

3. Set up a casual encounter. That is, if all has gone well in the previous step. This meet-up must happen at a bar in a group setting with lots o’ liquid courage. Every shot you take equals 30 minutes of shameless flirtation. Drink up, dollface, it’s your time to shine. Be careful, though. You still need to maintain a cool, mysterious exterior. Where alcohol is involved, there is a fine line between, “Oh, hi” and “OH HEY BOI I LOVE YOU LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES!” Also remember that where alcohol is involved, there is a distinct possibility that face and/or body smash will happen. This is all on you, but I’d advise to take a cue from Ciara and keep the goodies in the jar at this point.

4. Go on a real date. Real date meaning you wear a pretty dress and your favorite perfume and you’re so nervous you want to roll around on the floor and pull all your hair out. They pick you up and take you to dinner where you talk about where you’re from originally and where you work and do you like it or not blah blah blah small talk. Then you go to a movie or go for a walk or you do both of those things. This step is crucial if you want this to become a more-than-physical relationship. Shit gets real on a real date. The real date is where you determine if you want it to get really real. For real.

5. Enter cloud nine. You swear that this person is the most greatest most awesomest most beautifulest angel descended from the heavens. Your friends want to punch you in the ovaries because you won’t shut the eff up about it.

This process could take between one week and ten years.

Good luck! Kisses!

How To Get Ready For Summer

  • Read the June issue of every women’s magazine ever. You can wear eyeliner to the beach! You probably have a cancerous mole! Celebrities have body issues too! Have that steamy summer fling you’ve always wanted!
  • Ditch the body hair. You’re single as hayell, so the only thing that touched your legs last winter was your favorite pair of sweatpants. The time is now. Free your gams from their sheath of hair despair!
  • Buy a new swimsuit. According to the June issue of every women’s magazine ever, women with small busts should wear ruffles and string bikini tops and women with large busts should batten down the hatches with a classic halter. High-waisted bottoms are also in, as seen on Katy Perry. But are you Katy Perry? NO. Stay away from the high-wasted bottoms.
  • Mentally prepare yourself for that inevitable moment when the coverup comes off and everyone can see your bright white bod. From outer space you appear to be a glowing orb of pure energy. Let there be light!
  • Invest in some aloe vera gel because you’re the dumbass who doesn’t wear sunscreen. “I have to burn if I want to get tan,” you say. STOP SAYING THAT AND WEAR THE DAMN SUNSCREEN.
  • Stock up on some good reading material. Be sure to choose something with tawdry love affairs and no plot line whatsoever . Save Crime and Punishment for those cold November nights spent inside your bottomless pit of self-loathing.
  • Let your straightener go into hibernation because humidity is a giant monster of suck. Lucky for you beachy waves are, like, SO totes in girlfraaand.
  • Plan lots of weekend beach trips because what is summer without sand??? Everywhere. All places. Weeks later, it’s still there.

Go hang out with your friends. Go eat watermelon and complain about the heat. Wear shorts and skirts and tank tops. Drink beer and wine coolers by the pool. Go out and order a fruity technicolor drink because summer is the only time you can do this without looking like a dick. While driving, stick your hand out the window and pretend you’re in a movie montage about a girl on a journey of self-discovery.

SUMMER. YEAH.