How To Play Hard To Get

When you know someone has their sights set on you, the last thing you want to do is make it easy for them to get to know you or talk to you or touch you or even blink at you. Why would you want that? Why?

My default setting is hard to get. Not “playing” hard to get. Just hard to get. I don’t know how to get and others don’t know how to get me. It just comes naturally. I don’t even have to try. *brushes shoulders off*

Here are some helpful tips if you’d like to stay single forever and want guys to think you’re batshit bonkers:

When you meet a guy at a bar, don’t bat your eyelashes or smile or do any of that charming shit. Instead, look at him as if you’ve got his balls in a vice and are on the verge of completely obliterating his manhood if he so much as even breathes in your direction.

You know that move guys do where they oh so gently place their hand on your lower back, maybe to guide you or maybe just to have some kind of physical contact? This is territorial as fuck and if it makes you turn into a wild-eyed caged animal, I totes understand. This is so easy to handle, though. All you have to do is let your instincts kick in and claw his eyes out, much like a feral cat facing potential domestication. Want a less…violent option? Lean in and seductively whisper in his ear, “Your touch makes me sick” and then throw up on his feet.

The other night, this dude grabbed my hand to lead me through a crowded bar and I had to fight the urge to be like “Uh, does it look like I don’t know how to walk through some people? I’m not like a four year old needing help crossing the street, bro.” If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, simply dig your talons deep into his palm until you’re able to feel his blood oozing all over (and ruining) your hot pink manicure. Bastard. Or you can just let go of his hand. Whatever.

Maybe you’re dealing with a guy who likes to ask you questions about your life and talks about things that matter and offers to get you a water when you’ve had too much to drink and you’re like “Oh, he’s so niiiiiice. Even though I’m not really feeling it, I can’t be mean to him! He cares!” Yeah, okay. If you’re not feeling it, don’t make him feel like you’re feeling it. You feel me? Just give him your number and then ignore his texts because you’re not mean at all!!! Teeheeheehee.

Can’t wait for us all to die alone together! ❤

One time:

– I dreamt that Marilyn Manson was tattooing my shoulder but he had to pause midway to go photograph my friend’s wedding.

– Someone tried to hug me and I didn’t want them to and by one time I mean all the times. (Maybe not all the times)

– I cried while listening to a P!nk song and it sent me into a dark spiral of sadness, confusion, and ultimately, shame.

– When I was four, I decided to run away from home, so I put the slip I used to wear under my church dresses into a brown suitcase and went to the edge of my backyard and then I stopped because I was scared.

– I found a turtle and decided that he needed to be fed, so I put him in one of my mom’s hanging baskets and hung him on a tree branch so he wouldn’t leave while I went inside to get food. When I came back outside, he was gone and I think I made a turtle commit suicide or something idk.

– I was trimming my bangs and I accidentally cut some of my eyelashes off and isn’t it so weird how they GREW BACK LIKE WHEN DO THEY GROW AND HOW DO WE JUST NOT NOTICE THIS IS HAPPENING HOW DO WE NOT SEE IT?

– I thought that “All twerk and no play makes Jack a trill boy” was an original thought and I got super excited about tweeting it until I googled it, saw that it was not an original thought, and remembered that the universe is vast and complex and owes us nothing.

– I decided to give up soda and I lasted three hours before I began murdering innocents.

– I placed my hand directly on a hot burner because the burner looked sideways and I wanted to fix it, but I forgot it was turned on and then I screamed because it hurt. That was this morning. I am an adult woman and hey, they don’t call it a “burner” for nothing, amirite???