Hey baby, I heard you like self-deprecating pick-up lines. Is that true, baby?

Hey baby,

I heard you like girls with child-bearing hips, an irrational fear of commitment, and an addiction to simple carbohydrates. Is that true, baby?

Hey baby,

I heard you like girls who can’t distinguish between hunger and boredom and are very skilled in the art of avoiding any and all social interaction. Is that true, baby?

Hey baby,

I heard you like girls who are awkward around children and animals, yet want to have a small army of children and animals one day. Is that true, baby?

Hey baby,

I heard you like girls who are anxious, emotionally unavailable, and unapologetically bad at parking. Is that true, baby?

Hey baby,

I heard you like girls who would rather not hold hands or do anything in public that would let anyone know we are together. Is that true, baby?

Hey baby,

I heard you like girls who pick the m&m’s out of trail mix while reading their love horoscope for the week. Is that true, baby?

Hey baby,

I heard you like girls who are cynical, but romantic. And skeptical, but with unrealistically high expectations. Is that true, baby?

Hey baby,

I heard you like girls who know all the songs from Anastasia and can eat their way out of any life crisis. Is that true, baby?

Hey baby,

I heard that you like the bad girls. Honey, is that true?

Alright, that last one was Lana Del Rey, my inspiration for this post and everything in my life (kind of).

Advertisements

The “You’re Broke and It’s Okay” Holiday Gift Guide

broke

You and me both, Heidi, you and me both. (Is that you, Heidi?)

If you’re like me, you haven’t done any Christmas shopping yet. Also, you don’t have any money. Like, zero cash. Like, suffering through that limbo between when you turn in your rent check and when your paycheck goes through and hoping to all that is holy that you don’t overdraft and feel like a failure for the rest of your life.

So you’re stressing over holiday gifts for your friends and fam and seriously considering taking a little dancing job on the side or maybe selling some plasma or something just to buy some gift that will get re-gifted again and again. That is no life for you (or the gift). Stop worrying. I’ve got some gift ideas that are free, yes FREE, and full of holiday cheer (kind of).

Friends: Quality Time

Forget the gift card to Bath & Body Works or those tacky wine glasses with BFFFFFFFFFFFFF painted in pink glitter all over them. Nothing says “Ho ho ho” like time spent with yo hos (LOL), drinking wine and watching movies and talking about boys and stuff like that. Gurl Powur.

Aunts and Uncles: Blow kisses

This gesture of love and creepiness will ensure that they won’t think twice about the fact that you didn’t give them anything of monetary value. Bonus: they’ll be too scared to go near enough to you to ask if you’re courtin’ anyone right now. You’ll be totally free to sit in the corner and shove fudge into your mouth while they look at you with pity and whisper, What has happened to our sweet girl? She used to be so…normal.

Grandparents: Handmade card

G-rents live for this shit. In their mind you spent hours and hours slaving away over that piece of computer paper you found wedged behind your desk, taking special care to write ‘Merry Christmas’ with a pen that is running out of ink, giving your handwriting a beautiful “feathered” look. “Our little arteest…” they’ll say with a smile.

Siblings (and Cousins too?): Nothing 

You don’t owe your siblings (or cousins?) anything because chances are they’re in the same boat as you and who really cares? Last year my brother got me a calendar. I got him nothing because I’m older than him and I can do what I want. You think he noticed? Nah. I’ve been doing this to him all his life. It’s all he knows. You should do the same.

Parents: An IOU

This one is a little more delicate because you want to show your parents how awesome you think they are but you can’t exactly afford to buy them an all expense paid trip to Puerto Vallarta. Instead, just grab a sticky note or flyer left on your door for that Chinese place and write “IOU something fantastic in the future that I don’t have the money to buy now because would you want me to starve or not go out on the weekends or not have new underwear just so I can buy you a gift to show you how much I love you for being there for me all the time and making all kinds of sacrifices for me and raising me to be an upstanding young citizen of America?” They’ll be touched. Then maybe hug them or something idk.

See? Just because you don’t spend money on a gift doesn’t mean that it can’t be special. Money can’t buy love or whatever. Happy Holidayz.