How To Answer Those Annoying Questions This Holiday Season

The holidays are upon us and you know what that means. Time to answer questions about your life that you don’t want to answer because you don’t even remotely have your shit together.

Don’t worry. I’m here to give you some tips on how to answer these questions and possibly keep anyone from asking them in the future!

The School Question

How’s school? What are you studying, again? What are you wanting to do after?

The “What are you wanting to do after?’ used to be like nails on a freaking chalkboard for me. I despised that question so much and wanted it to rot for all eternity in the fiery pits of Hell.

When these questions come along, I find it best to just stare at whoever asked it like they are criminally insane. Just stare for about 30 seconds, then softly whisper, “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” They’ll be like whaaaat?

The Job Question

How’s work? Found a job yet? Where do you work, again? Do you like it?

If you do have a job you basically just have to say “Yes,” do an about-face, and walk away. If you don’t have a job you should grab the nearest food item, shove it in your mouth, and slobber/spit/mumble that you don’t believe in working for your keep and are just hoping to hold off on the repayment of your loans for as long as you can and if you had a job how would you make time for your two favorite activities (sleeping and wallowing in your miserable existence)?

The Marriage/Commitment/Relationship/Dowry Question

So are there any boys (or girls) in your life? I know there’s got to be! You’re so *insert adjective here that describes you in a way that you are most certainly not* I bet the boys (or girls) are just lining up for you!

I think I hate this one more than any other question. I actually don’t get asked this one as much any more because I think my family is slowly beginning to give up hope that I will carry on our legacy.

There are a couple of options, here.

If you want to really throw them off, say something that will completely freak them out. Got super conservative family members? Reply with, “Well, you see, I just really don’t want to tie myself down right now. I’m enjoying a bit of a sexual revolution at the moment. Good golly, I’ve been banging so many dudes you wouldn’t believe it. Can I get an amen for free birth control? Free BC! Free BC! Everybody now! Yeah grandma, you too!  …so how’d the church bake sale go?”

Maybe you’d rather not risk giving everyone a heart attack. If this is the case, just be totally honest. “I can’t get anyone to love me because I’m not even really sure I love myself. I’ve been talking to my cat about these issues and she tells me that until I find the beauty in my own heart, I will never truly be able to give it to another. Isn’t she brilliant? I kind of wish I was a cat. Things would be so much easier if I were a cat…someone hold me.”

 

Good luck, you guys. We’ll make it through this together. Happy Holidays. Peace love straight up thug.

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