Be mysterious. Be a stalker. Guys love it.

I get people coming up to me all the time. Hillary, how do I make a dude like me? Hillary, how do I talk to a potential love interest? Hillary, how can I manipulate a man into thinking that the sun rises and sets in my eyes? Take a number, people, there’s plenty of advice for everyone. Although I’m practically swimming in hot men right now (like as we speak lolzz), I suppose I can manage to take a short break from being hand-fed grapes while getting fanned with giant palm fronds. All for you guys. Dr. Love is in session.

You wanna know how to keep a guy coming back for more? I got you.

Mystery.

You have got to keep his interest piqued. You can’t be like a pandora’s box of too much information. In fact, be the queen of no information at all. Give him nothing. Tell him nothing. Something I like to do is answer every question with a question. For example, if he asks you what kind of music you like, respond with “What is music?” This will drive him crazy. He’s so intrigued right now. Who is this girl, this wild mysterious girl? She doesn’t even know what music is. She’s so sheltered and that’s hot.

Stalking.

Men think it’s awesome when you find out everything there is to know about them via facebook  or Twitter. It saves them the time of having to actually tell you these things themselves. You’re golden if you’re facebook friends or  if his Twitter isn’t “protected” or whatever the hell it’s called.

Let’s start with facebook. I’m going to need you to go balls deep into this thing, alright? If you think you’re in too far, you need to go further. I’m talking, check out some pictures from back in 2008. So you accidentally “liked” this one pic of him from his high school graduation? It’s fiiiiine. Maybe you unliked it fast enough that he didn’t notice. So you freak out for days because you’re positive that he got that notification and thinks you’re batshit insane? Don’t worry, these things build character.

Now, Twitter is a little different. There isn’t quite as much information at your fingertips BUT it’s a great way to gauge how smart/funny/lazy this dude is. Next thing you know, you’ll find yourself rewording his tweets and using them as your own in the hopes that he will one day follow you and be like, “Holy shit, this chick is my one true love!”

He won’t think this stalking behavior is creepy. He’ll be totally flattered.

Texting.

The second you get a text from him (no matter what it says), freak the fuck out. Run and tell your roommate/dog/rotting jack-o-lantern sitting outside your door. Next, sit and stare at the words until they start to look like Egyptian hieroglyphs. “Hey, what’s up?” somehow becomes “@@** (*&)))” and then you’re convinced that he meant to text someone else who can understand this magical language. It must be some other girl and they created their own special language together and that asshole has the nerve to text you??? Ughhh. Text him back a few hours later and simply say, “Who is this?” This question takes it all back to Miss Mystery. God you’re good.

Dating.

There are two types of men in the world: the ones who will ask you out on a date and the ones who won’t. The ones who do want to take you out think you’re super neat-o and hope they can get in your pants after. The others are a bit squeamish when it comes to going on a legit date because they think that a date is equal to a binding contract to father your children. They are probably also cheap and say they can’t afford to take you out because will you just look at the economy?? How can you possibly expect him to wine and dine you if he’s barely scraping by after purchasing Halo 4 last weekend? If you’ve managed to gain a candlelit dinner with this type, then half of your battle has already been won.

No matter which type of guy you’re on a date with, you should still follow the same rules.

Rule #1: Let him choose the locale because you are meek and mild and know nothing of the outside world. Keep a look of childlike wonder on your face at all times and really amp it up as you’re walking into your local Chili’s. Ooooh look at the handcrafted mexican tile on these tables! Bottomless chips and salsa??? Be still your heart.

Rule #2: Passive-aggressively steer the conversation towards topics that are important to you. Ya know, things like soul mates and commitment and white picket fences and car pools and soccer games. He already thinks you’re trying to give him the ol’ ball and chain, so he’ll be relieved that his opinions of you are true, which reinforces his belief that males are always right!

Rule #3: At the end of the date, make sure he has no idea what you’re really thinking or feeling about him. Be mega awkward. Be aloof. When you’re saying goodbye to each other, maybe just stare off into the distance and act like you’re thinking about something else, like chocolate lava cake or that Christmas scented candle you bought earlier that day. This leaves him with the sense that you’re not really all that clingy and maybe he was wrong about you all along. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, BITCH.

 

Okay, hope this helps. I’ve got some hot oiled-up dudes to get back to now.

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5 thoughts on “Be mysterious. Be a stalker. Guys love it.

  1. Charming, i bet you feel smart, like love is something your doubting possesses?
    its written out of distrust,
    howto handle your fear,
    howto remove his fear
    and then to play with his fear,
    His fear is YOURS, and this is not howto lose fear together.
    you will hurt cumulatively.

    Fear for death
    Lust for love
    Love for life

    PS: i’m sorry, but you destroy love, you make fear, no men but boys hold you dear.
    thats why you try to look innocent and sheltered.
    Men know, once a woman is hurt too bad, and goes antisocial on the other sex, they are unsavable
    ~~; the girls that don’t really believe in love anymore.~~
    NO FATHER, WANTS SUCH A WOMAN TO MOTHER HIS CHILDREN.

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