Ask Me Stuff: Life, Love, and the Lack Thereof

Before I get into this, I need to tell you guys that I had a revelation last night while listening to Destiny’s Child. You know when they’re like “Say my name, say my name, if no one is around you, say baby I love you?” Well, I always thought they were saying “when no one is around you” and I was all confused because if no one is around to hear him say your name, then did he really say it at all? Think about it.

Anyway. I’ve got a couple of questions to tackle here about how we as a species need to stop falling in love or lust or like with anyone because that is just the best way to prevent heartache/heartbreak/debt/general sadness/overeating. I’m just kidding. Love and lust and like are all totally cool things. Yeah.

First question I received anonymously (ooh ahhh mysteryyyy)

“Why do I always end up pining after someone who doesn’t like me? And even though I’m not really pursuing it, I still have this nagging feeling about him. And if he was attracted to me wouldn’t he have done something about it by now?”

Okay, Miss Piney,  these are very dangerous questions to ask yourself because they will inevitably turn into “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why am I not good enough?” questions. And those are just total downers and only serve to make you feel insecure. I think we’ve all been in this situation, though, and I believe this is the part where I’m supposed to say that you don’t need a man and you’re awesome and beautiful and smart and funny and all that other stuff I need to say here, but you know all that already. Girls rule, boys drool.

But something else these questions do is put the dude in the driver’s seat. If a guy likes you, he’s supposed to let you know it, right? He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out, right? Right and right…sort of. I guess if a guy wants to see you, he’s going to try to see you. But maybe he’s nervous or shy or not sure how you’re feeling. I’m not saying you need to follow him around like a puppy dog in the hopes that you will tickle his fancy. I’m saying just keep doing you thing and he’ll keep doing his thing and if your things are meant to come together (wink wink) then they will.

I was watching The City last night and I’m going to tell you what Diane Von Furstenberg told Whitney (paraphrased, duh). “The first relationship you have in life is with yourself. And no matter who you are with, at the end of the day that’s who you come home to. Yourself.” Preach it, DVF! (Yeah, I’m stuck in 2009 MTV land).

Whatever will be, will be, gurrrrrl. Do like that Adam Sandler movie and just go with it. Except maybe not really because the last time he released anything good was The Wedding Singer. Agh, nevermind. You know what I mean. ❤

———

Next, from the lovely Christina Wolfgram:

I have a triple threat for you: The most current love of my life recently dumped me out of the blue. I am in grad school. All I want to do is shop. How would you recommend getting through this identity crisis without spending all of my rent money while also pursuing Who I Want To Be?

Some days I feel like I have a handle on it and others I only have a handle of vodka. I’d love to hear your insights! Cool idea for blogging, by the way.

Girlfriend, you just asked all of the million dollar questions. All of them. All. First, keep the handle of vodka around and maybe listen to Handel, too (LOLZ sorry I’m out of control).

Shopping and alchohol are always my go-tos for every problem ever, so I (and I’m sure many others) can relate to this so hard. Shopping provides us with a distraction. Shopping gives us things that will momentarily fill a void. Shopping is really fucking fun. Alcohol does all of those things, too, and makes everything hazy and soft. Beware the ultimate danger zone: shopping while intoxicated. It happens. And it is deadly.

But these are just temporary solutions and leave you with a hangover and barely enough money to go to McDonald’s to alleviate it. And then you’re basically left where you started, asking yourself where your life is going and why things happened the way they did. The universe has thrown you a curveball (ugh that’s so cheesy) and that’s okay.

My advice is to do three things:

First, wallow in your misery/confusion/whatever it is you’re feeling right now. Just roll around in it. Wrap yourself in it like a little baby burrito. I don’t know why it’s a baby burrito, but they just seem really cute idk. Don’t do this for too long, though, or you might become a hoarder and we’re having to have interventions and it’s just a big mess. Get it all out of your system. I’m sure it’ll come creeping back later, but for now it’s at bay.

Next, try to distract yourself with things that don’t cost money. That’s actually impossible, never mind. Distract yourself with things that don’t cost too much money and will enrich your life! Go see movies where people are stabbing other people. Go to an art museum and stand in front of one painting for like thirty minutes and then when someone comes up to you and asks if you’re okay, start cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West and say “Are you okay? hahaaaahahahahahhahaaaa.” Read books. Write. Do cartwheels or yoga or watch the entire first season of Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane (it’s on Netflix). These are all great because they take your mind off things, but don’t leave you feeling guilty afterwards. Your bank account and body are like oh hell yeah to that.

Finally, you can focus on that big question. Who do you want to be? And how can you become that person? And instead of feeling like it’s dreaded and overwhelming, you can be excited about it! Because you, and not the circumstances you’re in, have control over your life.

All of this is totally easy for me to say as an outsider, but hopefully it helps! 🙂

Got more questions for me? Hit me up here, here, or in the comments. LOVE YOU MEAN IT.

Tell me your problems. Ask me stuff. Let me be there for you guys. <3

I want to try something and if it doesn’t work then it’s okay and I’ll feel stupid for a long time because I dwell on things, but it’s fine because life is about taking chances.

I would like to ask you to ask me questions about your 20-something issues. The usual things we love to whine about. Sex, drugs, rock and roll kind of things, ya know?

I’ve already gotten a few questions for this (about everything from cooking to Christmas shopping on a budget to pining after someone who doesn’t like you), but I want more more more (How do you like it? How do you like it? I’m sorry).

Not saying I’m an expert or anything, but I’m a really great listener and I love giving advice because it distracts me from my own problems, but that’s a whole other story and this isn’t about me.

There are a few ways we can do this. You can comment on this post, shoot me an email using the contact tab up there, or if you’d rather remain anonymous, you can send me a message on my tumblr.

I want to help you help me help everyone in the world help the universe.

Luv u.

Oh, and I’ll post the answers to your questions on this here blog.

I think I like Romance novels?

Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine alone in my room and I can’t remember what I did but it probably involved listening to Black Sabbath while trying on a bunch of my clothes and pretending I’m Cher Horowitz getting ready for school in the morning. I also know that I didn’t manage to drunk text anyone, which is good.

So yeah, I have bedsores now from lying in the same position all day today. I’m not exaggerating. The only time I got out of bed was to get more diet coke to nurse my poor body back to health.

Anyway, you know how I said I can’t remember what I did? Well, I found some evidence. A little clue, if you will, about my actions last night. I found this:

This is the romance novel I’m reading right now. It’s by Sandra Brown and it’s a three-books-in-one kinds thing called “Texas! Trilogy.” Don’t judge me. Especially because I’ve read this multiple times. Like maybe at least seven times. I don’t know why. Some mysteries in life aren’t meant to be solved.

Apparently during my vino binge, I got a little angry with this book. Angry enough to rip out a few pages. I honestly have no recollection of this and that scares me. I imagine myself laughing maniacally while tearing the pages out with my teeth and blathering on and on about how love is a myth and men are the devil. I’m worried, though. What else did I do? I think I might have killed a man.

The thing is, I actually really love romance novels. Or I thought I did, anyway.

I like them, not because they’re realistic, but because they’re the exact opposite. Who wants to read a realistic romance? Not to be too cynical, but there would be no romance. There would be pseudo-romance. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing because romance novels are super lame. Here’s a direct quote from this book:

“He listened very closely to something else – his own being. He lusted after this woman’s body more than all the other bodies he’d ever known put together. His single sexual experience with her stood out above all the rest. He’d had many that were lustier, crazier, faster, slower, but none as heart-piercingly sweet, none that still haunted his mind.”

GAG ME WITH A SPOON, PLZ.

Let me give you the pseudo-romantic translation:

“He wants to bang this woman again because she is still a mystery to him. He’s a bit of a manwhore, yet he’s never had sex with a woman like her and he really wants to do it again. She’s still so shiny and new to him, which is why he can’t stop thinking about her. At least until he’s playing video games or complaining about his fantasy football team.”

I’m not saying that men in real life don’t have the capacity for romance. I’m not saying romance is dead. That’s not what I’m saying at all.

What I’m saying is that sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality. And that’s why women read this stuff.

Alright, well, I have a mighty big hankering for a forbidden love affair, so I’ve got some doctoring to do on this here book.

Oh, and while we’re on the topic of romance nowadays, you should check out this Menagerie Mag article, cause it’s so true it hurts my brain.

Thankful for:

  • My bed.
  • Being alive.
  • The new lotion I got at Bath & Body Works the other day. It smells like something a high class hooker would wear, so while I’m wearing it I feel like I’m selling my body to the night as opposed to watching Game of Thrones in my bed while eating pita chips and hummus by the gallon.
  • Having new music to listen to on my drive home tomorrow. Or I guess I should say “new to me” music because why am I just now really getting into Interpol? Holy shit. Antics is such a great album I just want to rub it all over my body.
  • My cat. I’ve had her for a year and she’s taught me many things. Like how to care for another living creature and how I maybe kind of like animals I guess. She ignores me a lot but that’s cool, cause we both have stone cold hearts and she’s my gurl.
  • The guitar that my dad gave me. It’s mostly just gathering dust (don’t tell him that), but today I plugged it in and stood in front of the mirror with it and acted like I was a rock star like Lita Ford or somebody.
  • Family. Seriously, my fam’s the shit and I’m super lucky. They support me so hard, always.
  • Friends. They’re super awesome. I love to laugh and my friends are funny as hell.
  • MICHAEL FASSBENDER and the fantasies that his perfect hands induce.
  • Naps.
  • The dark purple neo-goth lipstick I recently purchased. I put it on and I listen to Joy Division and I’m instantly transformed into a gothic princess.
  • Blogging. I’m about to get sappy so get ready. I started blogging as a joke and then I actually started enjoying it and getting some fairly positive feedback and it helped me realize that I like writing and discovering other blogs and writers just like me and I could just cry it’s all just so awesome. Okay. I’ve filled my emotional quota for the year. Thx. Bye.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night.

How To Answer Those Annoying Questions This Holiday Season

The holidays are upon us and you know what that means. Time to answer questions about your life that you don’t want to answer because you don’t even remotely have your shit together.

Don’t worry. I’m here to give you some tips on how to answer these questions and possibly keep anyone from asking them in the future!

The School Question

How’s school? What are you studying, again? What are you wanting to do after?

The “What are you wanting to do after?’ used to be like nails on a freaking chalkboard for me. I despised that question so much and wanted it to rot for all eternity in the fiery pits of Hell.

When these questions come along, I find it best to just stare at whoever asked it like they are criminally insane. Just stare for about 30 seconds, then softly whisper, “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” They’ll be like whaaaat?

The Job Question

How’s work? Found a job yet? Where do you work, again? Do you like it?

If you do have a job you basically just have to say “Yes,” do an about-face, and walk away. If you don’t have a job you should grab the nearest food item, shove it in your mouth, and slobber/spit/mumble that you don’t believe in working for your keep and are just hoping to hold off on the repayment of your loans for as long as you can and if you had a job how would you make time for your two favorite activities (sleeping and wallowing in your miserable existence)?

The Marriage/Commitment/Relationship/Dowry Question

So are there any boys (or girls) in your life? I know there’s got to be! You’re so *insert adjective here that describes you in a way that you are most certainly not* I bet the boys (or girls) are just lining up for you!

I think I hate this one more than any other question. I actually don’t get asked this one as much any more because I think my family is slowly beginning to give up hope that I will carry on our legacy.

There are a couple of options, here.

If you want to really throw them off, say something that will completely freak them out. Got super conservative family members? Reply with, “Well, you see, I just really don’t want to tie myself down right now. I’m enjoying a bit of a sexual revolution at the moment. Good golly, I’ve been banging so many dudes you wouldn’t believe it. Can I get an amen for free birth control? Free BC! Free BC! Everybody now! Yeah grandma, you too!  …so how’d the church bake sale go?”

Maybe you’d rather not risk giving everyone a heart attack. If this is the case, just be totally honest. “I can’t get anyone to love me because I’m not even really sure I love myself. I’ve been talking to my cat about these issues and she tells me that until I find the beauty in my own heart, I will never truly be able to give it to another. Isn’t she brilliant? I kind of wish I was a cat. Things would be so much easier if I were a cat…someone hold me.”

 

Good luck, you guys. We’ll make it through this together. Happy Holidays. Peace love straight up thug.

Be mysterious. Be a stalker. Guys love it.

I get people coming up to me all the time. Hillary, how do I make a dude like me? Hillary, how do I talk to a potential love interest? Hillary, how can I manipulate a man into thinking that the sun rises and sets in my eyes? Take a number, people, there’s plenty of advice for everyone. Although I’m practically swimming in hot men right now (like as we speak lolzz), I suppose I can manage to take a short break from being hand-fed grapes while getting fanned with giant palm fronds. All for you guys. Dr. Love is in session.

You wanna know how to keep a guy coming back for more? I got you.

Mystery.

You have got to keep his interest piqued. You can’t be like a pandora’s box of too much information. In fact, be the queen of no information at all. Give him nothing. Tell him nothing. Something I like to do is answer every question with a question. For example, if he asks you what kind of music you like, respond with “What is music?” This will drive him crazy. He’s so intrigued right now. Who is this girl, this wild mysterious girl? She doesn’t even know what music is. She’s so sheltered and that’s hot.

Stalking.

Men think it’s awesome when you find out everything there is to know about them via facebook  or Twitter. It saves them the time of having to actually tell you these things themselves. You’re golden if you’re facebook friends or  if his Twitter isn’t “protected” or whatever the hell it’s called.

Let’s start with facebook. I’m going to need you to go balls deep into this thing, alright? If you think you’re in too far, you need to go further. I’m talking, check out some pictures from back in 2008. So you accidentally “liked” this one pic of him from his high school graduation? It’s fiiiiine. Maybe you unliked it fast enough that he didn’t notice. So you freak out for days because you’re positive that he got that notification and thinks you’re batshit insane? Don’t worry, these things build character.

Now, Twitter is a little different. There isn’t quite as much information at your fingertips BUT it’s a great way to gauge how smart/funny/lazy this dude is. Next thing you know, you’ll find yourself rewording his tweets and using them as your own in the hopes that he will one day follow you and be like, “Holy shit, this chick is my one true love!”

He won’t think this stalking behavior is creepy. He’ll be totally flattered.

Texting.

The second you get a text from him (no matter what it says), freak the fuck out. Run and tell your roommate/dog/rotting jack-o-lantern sitting outside your door. Next, sit and stare at the words until they start to look like Egyptian hieroglyphs. “Hey, what’s up?” somehow becomes “@@** (*&)))” and then you’re convinced that he meant to text someone else who can understand this magical language. It must be some other girl and they created their own special language together and that asshole has the nerve to text you??? Ughhh. Text him back a few hours later and simply say, “Who is this?” This question takes it all back to Miss Mystery. God you’re good.

Dating.

There are two types of men in the world: the ones who will ask you out on a date and the ones who won’t. The ones who do want to take you out think you’re super neat-o and hope they can get in your pants after. The others are a bit squeamish when it comes to going on a legit date because they think that a date is equal to a binding contract to father your children. They are probably also cheap and say they can’t afford to take you out because will you just look at the economy?? How can you possibly expect him to wine and dine you if he’s barely scraping by after purchasing Halo 4 last weekend? If you’ve managed to gain a candlelit dinner with this type, then half of your battle has already been won.

No matter which type of guy you’re on a date with, you should still follow the same rules.

Rule #1: Let him choose the locale because you are meek and mild and know nothing of the outside world. Keep a look of childlike wonder on your face at all times and really amp it up as you’re walking into your local Chili’s. Ooooh look at the handcrafted mexican tile on these tables! Bottomless chips and salsa??? Be still your heart.

Rule #2: Passive-aggressively steer the conversation towards topics that are important to you. Ya know, things like soul mates and commitment and white picket fences and car pools and soccer games. He already thinks you’re trying to give him the ol’ ball and chain, so he’ll be relieved that his opinions of you are true, which reinforces his belief that males are always right!

Rule #3: At the end of the date, make sure he has no idea what you’re really thinking or feeling about him. Be mega awkward. Be aloof. When you’re saying goodbye to each other, maybe just stare off into the distance and act like you’re thinking about something else, like chocolate lava cake or that Christmas scented candle you bought earlier that day. This leaves him with the sense that you’re not really all that clingy and maybe he was wrong about you all along. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, BITCH.

 

Okay, hope this helps. I’ve got some hot oiled-up dudes to get back to now.

4 Romance Movies That Are Depressing As F*ck

Before you dig into this post, I should say that I really enjoyed all of these movies and it’s probably going to sound like I’m bashing them, but I’m not. I’m just in a mooooood, you guys, so get ready. What I’m saying is, don’t feel like you need to be like, “Hillary, love is a many-splendored thing. What’s your glitch?” Also, none of that Nicholas Sparks shit is on here.

Love Story

JESUS this movie. It kills me softly. I can’t tell if I love it because of Ali MacGraw’s awesome 1970s wardrobe or because the banter is effing fantastic or because it makes me want to poison myself. I’m a sucker for those “opposite sides of the track” love stories and that’s exactly what this is. Sigh….but then tragedy has to strike and you’re left questioning everything in your life and you’re just like WHAT’S THE POINT. But I mean, young Ryan O’Neal is so damn dreamy you should just watch it because of that. Oh, and whenever you’re feeling down and want to roll around in your misery for a few minutes (no longer, okay?), listen to the theme song from this flick. You’ve probably heard it before. It’s like the most famous song from a movie score ever (not really). When it gets to the part where the music swells, you should cry out, “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY????” and then you’ll feel calm and everything will be fine again. Works every time.

Like Crazy

This is probably my favorite from this list. Mostly because the dialogue is great and I read that most of it was improvised which is way kewl. If you’re not into the whole indie-romance scene then you’ll hate this because it’s pretty much the epitome of that genre. It was cute without being too lovey dovey and I hate too lovey dovey. Come to think of it, it was actually kinda lovey dovey, so maybe I do like lovey dovey. I’m confused. And then the girl was a stupid idiot and didn’t abide by her country’s visa laws and there was all this drama and it ends with you not even knowing what’s going to happen to these guys because people change and blah blah blah. This dude builds her a freaking chair. A CHAIR.

Blue Valentine

I went to see this movie by myself. It was just me, this other lady, and the oral sex scene in the theater. I’m actually glad that I didn’t go see this with anyone because it propelled me into a despair that can only be experienced when one is alone with one’s self or whatever. Great movie. Great acting. But it’s such a fucking downer. Don’t go into this feeling like you’re going to come soaring out on wings of happiness and hope. This came out in February a.k.a. the worst, most depressing month of the year. Not because boohoo you’re single on Valentine’s Day, but because February is a worthless month that no one needs. We’re all just over this month, already. We’re ready for Winter to be over and for Spring to kick it’s ass into gear. What I’m saying is, this movie came out in the perfect month.

500 Days of Summer

Right when this movie comes on, it tells you that it isn’t a love story. And the audience is all, “Yeah, right. Shut up, dude.” I have a love/hate relationship with this flick. On the one hand it’s super charming and smart and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the cutest with his crinkly-eyed smile and ugh why does he have to exist in the world with his adorableness? On the other hand, it makes me feel confused because even though I might not like how it ends, I know that ends the way it should end, ya know what I mean? It’s not your clean-cut rom com ending. It’s still hopeful, mind you, but not what you necessarily want to happen. And can we please all stop with the Summer bashing? I actually like her character. What we need to be hating on is how Tom puts her up on the unrealistic pedestal, setting himself up for inevitable heartbreak. Moral of the story: Don’t put your significant other up on a pedestal. Unless they’re Joseph Gordon-Levitt ’cause he’s cool as hell. So yeah, this one isn’t really depressing as much as it is…disappointing I guess.

Make love not war or something idk, you guys.

Did I miss any? What are your favorite sad romances? And if you say ‘The Notebook’ I’m going to kindly ask you leave the premises.