I Want To Be Cool

I wanna be cool. (See also: I Wanna Be Bad by Willa Ford. But that’s a whole other post).

I want so much to be cool.

Look how cool these guys are. Look at her pink wig and her heart shaped sunglasses. Look how cool she is. Look at him. I want to be sitting next to him in a hot tub, he’s so cool.

How do I make myself cool?

Should I wear a pink wig and some sunglasses?

Because I can totally make that happen:

I am the love child of Elton John and Natalie Portman’s character in Closer.

Do I order cool drinks when I go out? 

I tried this. I ordered a Manhattan last weekend because I’m one of those girls who’s all like, “I love whiskey. I’m a girl and I love whiskey. I’m a rare flower. Make out with me.” So yeah, I ordered a $9 Manhattan. The first sip was good. The rest of the sips made me wanna vom. I saved the cherry for last and it was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. After that, I think I tried to tie the stem with my tongue, but that’s also a whole other post.

I didn’t feel very cool drinking this. I just felt like an asshole.

Do I wear all black all the time? 

This would make me feel French, which would make me feel cool. I equate French girls with coolness. With their mod bobs, black sheaths, and the way they smoke their cigs in those long cigarette holder thingys. See? I don’t even know what those things are called. I’m so beneath them.

Look, I own a plastic cigarette holder from Spirit Halloween, so is that close enough? God this is exhausting.

Do I act more mysterious?

When someone asks me a question, should I answer with one word, no matter the question?

“Hi, what’s your name?”


“So what do you do?”


“Sounds interesting. Do you like it?”


“Okay, bye.”


Is that how this works? Because the above convo is par for the course pour moi. Is awkward cool, now? I heard that’s true. Or was that so Michael Cera ago?

You guys, will I ever be cool? Are you cool? Help me be cool.


10 thoughts on “I Want To Be Cool

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