What His Body Language Really Means! (If I wrote for Cosmo…)

Body language is everything. But men are soooo confusing! Don’t worry, ladies, we here at Cosmo have compiled this list of common male body language that is basically repeating what we have said about male body language in every single issue of this magazine since it’s birth. We’ve switched some of the wording up and added a little cheekiness because we know you girls are tre sassy!

Whispering in your ear??? So naughty!!!!

His right shoulder is always pointing due North. This guy is a keeper. Studies show that men who position the right side of their bodies in a Northerly direction are very reliable and often act as anchors in relationships. Bonus: since us lady folk are always getting lost, this dude is like our own little compass! Not sure what a compass is? Think of it as an old timey GPS.

He reaches for your hand all the time. Ughhh isn’t this the worst when men actually want to hold hands in public? This guy tends to have a great deal of emotional needs, so make sure you’re ready to do all kinds of romantic stuff together. Picnic in the park? Moonlit serenade? ROSES SENT TO YOUR WORKPLACE? …Don’t say you weren’t warned.

He blinks three times and waves to you from across the bar. This boy takes playing hard to get to a whole other level. With this one, it’s best to try to beat him at his own game. Turn around verrrry slowly and sprint to the bathroom, where you will hide out forever. All night he’ll wonder where “that mysterious girl” went.

He texts you, wanting to hang out. He wants to hang out. But you’ll probably want to second guess this and convince yourself that he hates you and he meant to text someone else. Better not reply, just to be safe.

He doesn’t text you, wanting to hang out. He does not want to hang out. However, he might just need a little push. Text him at five minute intervals with cute little phrases like “Hey” “What’s up?” “Whatcha doin?” “How r u?” “Where r u?” “Nevermind, I know where u r cuz I’m right behind u LOLZ :)”

He stoops his shoulders. The jury’s still out on this one, but there’s a distinct possibility that he’s either very sad or has scoliosis.

He says goodbye to you with a quick peck on the lips. He’s ready to get the hell away from you. He’s pulling away emotionally, so be very careful how you approach this situation. We recommend throwing a tantrum a la Veruca Salt. Wear him down. Annoy the shit out of him.

He bids farewell with an elaborate handshake. FRIENDZONED. Especially if it’s topped off with a chest bump and a “Later, bro.” But hey, men and women can’t be just friends. He’d totally still bone you if you asked.

Join us next month when we tell you what his favorite sex position means! We think you’ll be pleasantly surprised! You’ll definitely want to come back for more! 😉 xoxo

 

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