It’s Okay To Stay In on Friday Night

Because:

Your bed. Do you realllly want to rest your heels on 3 inch sticks for hours? Hell naw. Your bed is like this sweet marshmallow cup of comfort and joy and unconditional love. Your bed wants nothing more than to make you feel good. I call my bed the pleasure pallet. It’s true. The pleasure pallet of COMFINESS I WANNA BE IN YOU ALL NIGHT BBY.

Maybe you want to pick up a book or act like you’re going to pick up a book. Just move the book from your shelf and place it next to you. That’s it. That’s all. Reading. Yeah. Go ahead and use this night to bust out a Sarah Dessen novel. This Lullaby Dream Truth Forever or whatever. They’re great. The dudes are always artists or musicians or something making sculptures and climbing in windows and talking on roofs for hours. I live for that shit on a Friday night in.

Maybe you want to watch a movie or three. Start with something that will make you cry. Trust me on this. It could be anything, maybe it’s not even sad I don’t know what makes you cry. Any Pixar movie should do the trick. I went to see Brave and I could barely keep it together in the theater because she and her mom were fighting and she turned her mom into a bear and then ughhh she regretted it BECAUSE SHE’S JUST A KID WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MARRY HER OFF? Next, move on to something light-hearted and fun and flirty girl taking control of her life. Her fiancee has called off the wedding and she’s all depressed and sad puppy dog. But then she decides Hey, maybe I’ll open my own French bistro! Then Josh Duhamel or Hugh Dancy will come to my shop and we will hate each other at first but that’s only because there’s so much sexual tension there and then we’ll fall in love. It’ll be great. Love my life! So yeah, now that you’re on a ‘true love is real’ high, you need to tone things down a bit. Drama. Drama. Drama. Something directed by Martin Scorsese. Something with lots of gunfire, but maybe a little romance too. Something starring Mark Wahlberg or Leo DiCaprio. Something where your favorite character probably dies.

You can wear whatever you want. Pants are not optional at a bar. Pants are always optional at home. Your giant March of Dimes t-shirt that you got hair dye all over is not exactly something you can wear up in da club. But when you’re sprawled out on the couch watching Say Yes to Dress episodes you’ve seen twice already, that outfit is on point. Those sweatpants you’ve worn so much that there’s a hole in the crotch? That ain’t even sexy. Wear them always and forever.

You don’t have to look good. Oops did you just spill oreo milkshake down your chin, neck, chest? Is it lost in your bra (oh while we’re at it, take the bra off) somewhere? Who cares! Leave it, you might want it later. Just kidding, that’s gross. Oh shit, you just rubbed your eye and forgot that you decided to put on eyeliner this morning. Let the smudge be. No one’s around to see you look like you got punched in the face. You’re delightful in every way. You’re a goddess.

Maybe you don’t feel like being social and want to drink in peace. I’ve made it no secret that I am not the most social person and I love to have a glass or bottle (LOL) of wine with myself. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy going out, too, but sometimes I’m just like screw it I’m not in the mood to bully my way to the bar or scream, “WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS AGAIN?” over loud music. So sit back, relax, and git crunk…all in your humble abode.  This isn’t something a loser or depressed person does. This is something that a smart person does. Thank you. Peace and blessings. Yes, I said git crunk.

Me and my cat getting buck in here last Friday night.

What His Body Language Really Means! (If I wrote for Cosmo…)

Body language is everything. But men are soooo confusing! Don’t worry, ladies, we here at Cosmo have compiled this list of common male body language that is basically repeating what we have said about male body language in every single issue of this magazine since it’s birth. We’ve switched some of the wording up and added a little cheekiness because we know you girls are tre sassy!

Whispering in your ear??? So naughty!!!!

His right shoulder is always pointing due North. This guy is a keeper. Studies show that men who position the right side of their bodies in a Northerly direction are very reliable and often act as anchors in relationships. Bonus: since us lady folk are always getting lost, this dude is like our own little compass! Not sure what a compass is? Think of it as an old timey GPS.

He reaches for your hand all the time. Ughhh isn’t this the worst when men actually want to hold hands in public? This guy tends to have a great deal of emotional needs, so make sure you’re ready to do all kinds of romantic stuff together. Picnic in the park? Moonlit serenade? ROSES SENT TO YOUR WORKPLACE? …Don’t say you weren’t warned.

He blinks three times and waves to you from across the bar. This boy takes playing hard to get to a whole other level. With this one, it’s best to try to beat him at his own game. Turn around verrrry slowly and sprint to the bathroom, where you will hide out forever. All night he’ll wonder where “that mysterious girl” went.

He texts you, wanting to hang out. He wants to hang out. But you’ll probably want to second guess this and convince yourself that he hates you and he meant to text someone else. Better not reply, just to be safe.

He doesn’t text you, wanting to hang out. He does not want to hang out. However, he might just need a little push. Text him at five minute intervals with cute little phrases like “Hey” “What’s up?” “Whatcha doin?” “How r u?” “Where r u?” “Nevermind, I know where u r cuz I’m right behind u LOLZ :)”

He stoops his shoulders. The jury’s still out on this one, but there’s a distinct possibility that he’s either very sad or has scoliosis.

He says goodbye to you with a quick peck on the lips. He’s ready to get the hell away from you. He’s pulling away emotionally, so be very careful how you approach this situation. We recommend throwing a tantrum a la Veruca Salt. Wear him down. Annoy the shit out of him.

He bids farewell with an elaborate handshake. FRIENDZONED. Especially if it’s topped off with a chest bump and a “Later, bro.” But hey, men and women can’t be just friends. He’d totally still bone you if you asked.

Join us next month when we tell you what his favorite sex position means! We think you’ll be pleasantly surprised! You’ll definitely want to come back for more! 😉 xoxo