The 9 Circles of Hell (For Introverts)

Cat: Patron Saint of the Introverted (Photo Cred

1. Parties.  Is it cool if I cling to my friends the entire time? Is it alright if I just sequester myself in this corner? Okay, good. WHERE’S THE ALCOHOL.

2. Crowds. Why are there so many people here? What is this place why are there so many people here? What are people? Where am I? Am I dead? Am I dying?

3. Talking on the phone. Can we please just email or text instead? If you ask me how my day was on the phone I will say, “Good, how was yours?” If you ask me how my day was via email I will say, “Well, it was good at first. Like, I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich for breakfast and that was great. But then my day just sucked because my cat scratched my leg and I’m bleeding and I hate my cat but I’m so torn because I also think she’s really cute and I love her. But yeah, I’m about to eat dinner which is cool. Not sure what I want to eat though. What should I eat? How was your day?”

4. Small talk. Where are you from? What is your major? Where do you work? It’s not that I can’t answer these questions, it’s just that I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable with my one word responses. Let me wax poetic on my favorite book or Beatle or color or type of fabric or cartoon or something. PLEASE, I beg of you.

5. Interviews. There’s nothing like a job interview to make me feel self-conscious about myself. More self-conscious about myself, I guess I should say. The worst is when the interviewer has a list of questions sitting on their desk. And they pause for a few seconds to jot down what I’ve just said. So while I’m answering one question I’m also worrying and freaking out over what they’re going to ask me next. And then I start repeating myself, but I’m also not sure if I’m repeating myself so throw that worry into the mix and my brain is so confused.

6. Public speaking. My face is so red right now. Is my face red? Shit, it’s so red. Is it getting redder? Everyone’s looking at me and I’m talking too fast and can they hear me? Can they see my face? Ah, I don’t know. My. face. is. so. red.

7. Events where we are the center of attention (birthdays, graduations, weddings). Nothing transforms me into a bona fide bitch like having all eyes on me. I don’t mean bitchy in a diva kind of way. I mean bitchy in a ‘if you talk to me or look at me or tell me congratulations I will cut you’ kind of way. The stress gets to me every time and I just want to curl up in my bed with a book or my laptop. I’m such an enjoyable being!!!!

8. Icebreakers. As a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed freshman, I was brought into the world of the icebreaker during orientation. We were all in this circle playing the game where you tear off a bunch of toilet paper and for each sheet that you tore off you had to say something about yourself. God, kill me now. I didn’t know what was happening, but there I was with a shit load (LOLZ) of toilet paper. I think I had to say, like, fifteen things about myself. I don’t even know fifteen things about myself and I AM MYSELF. So I’m all flustered like…uh…uh…I have a dog? I have a little brother? Uh…did I say my name already? I’m an Aquarius? This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius? Wait, I’m not an Aquarius. Why did I say that? I’m a Virgo? Does that count as two things?

9. Hugs. You ever wonder what it’d be like to hug a piece of plywood? Didn’t think so. So don’t even think about hugging me if you don’t want to experience this. I tense up faster than the speed of light when I see two arms getting ready to wrap themselves around me. I’m envisioning this in my head right now and it’s all in slow motion and I’m cowering in fear as I watch someone’s face light up as they reach for me. The only exception to this is if I’ve had a few drinks. Then, I’m like loooove me love me say that you love me. GROUP HUG!!!


4 thoughts on “The 9 Circles of Hell (For Introverts)

  1. I took one of those psych tests yesterday and (surprise!!) I’m an introvert. I guess I always knew that but now it’s kind of official and everything I read makes so much more sense. I was signed up to go to this giant group thing tonight and I was just so terrified, I almost didn’t go. I really had to force myself and it wasn’t so bad. I’m glad I went.

  2. Hillary, I don’t know why you are an introvert when you have so much to offer! You are sooooo funny. And next time I see you, get ready for a HUG!

  3. Here’s a picture of introvert hell for you: The grocery store during the daytime 2 days before Christmas. I couldn’t even get through self-checkout without avoiding anyone trying to talk to me despite having thrown up my “Don’t come talk to me!!” vibe.

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