The 9 Circles of Hell (For Introverts)

Cat: Patron Saint of the Introverted (Photo Cred

1. Parties.  Is it cool if I cling to my friends the entire time? Is it alright if I just sequester myself in this corner? Okay, good. WHERE’S THE ALCOHOL.

2. Crowds. Why are there so many people here? What is this place why are there so many people here? What are people? Where am I? Am I dead? Am I dying?

3. Talking on the phone. Can we please just email or text instead? If you ask me how my day was on the phone I will say, “Good, how was yours?” If you ask me how my day was via email I will say, “Well, it was good at first. Like, I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich for breakfast and that was great. But then my day just sucked because my cat scratched my leg and I’m bleeding and I hate my cat but I’m so torn because I also think she’s really cute and I love her. But yeah, I’m about to eat dinner which is cool. Not sure what I want to eat though. What should I eat? How was your day?”

4. Small talk. Where are you from? What is your major? Where do you work? It’s not that I can’t answer these questions, it’s just that I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable with my one word responses. Let me wax poetic on my favorite book or Beatle or color or type of fabric or cartoon or something. PLEASE, I beg of you.

5. Interviews. There’s nothing like a job interview to make me feel self-conscious about myself. More self-conscious about myself, I guess I should say. The worst is when the interviewer has a list of questions sitting on their desk. And they pause for a few seconds to jot down what I’ve just said. So while I’m answering one question I’m also worrying and freaking out over what they’re going to ask me next. And then I start repeating myself, but I’m also not sure if I’m repeating myself so throw that worry into the mix and my brain is so confused.

6. Public speaking. My face is so red right now. Is my face red? Shit, it’s so red. Is it getting redder? Everyone’s looking at me and I’m talking too fast and can they hear me? Can they see my face? Ah, I don’t know. My. face. is. so. red.

7. Events where we are the center of attention (birthdays, graduations, weddings). Nothing transforms me into a bona fide bitch like having all eyes on me. I don’t mean bitchy in a diva kind of way. I mean bitchy in a ‘if you talk to me or look at me or tell me congratulations I will cut you’ kind of way. The stress gets to me every time and I just want to curl up in my bed with a book or my laptop. I’m such an enjoyable being!!!!

8. Icebreakers. As a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed freshman, I was brought into the world of the icebreaker during orientation. We were all in this circle playing the game where you tear off a bunch of toilet paper and for each sheet that you tore off you had to say something about yourself. God, kill me now. I didn’t know what was happening, but there I was with a shit load (LOLZ) of toilet paper. I think I had to say, like, fifteen things about myself. I don’t even know fifteen things about myself and I AM MYSELF. So I’m all flustered like…uh…uh…I have a dog? I have a little brother? Uh…did I say my name already? I’m an Aquarius? This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius? Wait, I’m not an Aquarius. Why did I say that? I’m a Virgo? Does that count as two things?

9. Hugs. You ever wonder what it’d be like to hug a piece of plywood? Didn’t think so. So don’t even think about hugging me if you don’t want to experience this. I tense up faster than the speed of light when I see two arms getting ready to wrap themselves around me. I’m envisioning this in my head right now and it’s all in slow motion and I’m cowering in fear as I watch someone’s face light up as they reach for me. The only exception to this is if I’ve had a few drinks. Then, I’m like loooove me love me say that you love me. GROUP HUG!!!

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How to Put Your Face On

I wrote a post a couple of months ago on how to get a man of your very own, but I realized that I left out a very key step in the process. Beautification. You can’t get a dude if you don’t cover up your real face and turn yourself into a pouty-lipped, doe-eyed vixen. Do not, I repeat, do not let him see your bare face. I know it’s unfair. I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. Don’t shoot the messenger.

But Hillary, my leader, my guide,  how ever do I do this? What is make-up? Maybe it’s Maybelline? What is beauty? 

Don’t worry, I’ll show you how disguise your real features and make yourself look the way the opposite sex has deemed attractive. It’ll be fun! You’re a blank canvas right now! Hope you’re ready to become a sexual object!

1. Pull your hair up and out of your face. Things are about to get messy and your hair is not joining the party just yet. (I’m not pinning my bangs back because I don’t want to. My forehead hasn’t seen the light of day since 2003 and it’s sure as hell not ready to now)

2. Base. Foundation. Powder. Whatever. 

Mineral foundation is, like, all the rage now and that’s what I have. It’s important to get as much powder on the brush as you can. Pile that shit on, okay? If you’re not coughing during this step, then you’re doing it all wrong. You’ll know you have enough on when you start to resemble a wax figure of yourself. (If you’re a freckle-face like me, you know that there is no covering those little suckers up. I can’t complain, though. They are so condensed at this point that I actually look kind of tan)

3. Eyeshadow.

I have this weird unhealthy obsession with my smokey eye kit. It’s not like it’s that great, really. I just paid way too much money for it, so I wear it a lot because I like feeling guilt-ridden and spoiled. Anyway, I’m using black eyeshadow because the eyes are the windows of the soul and my soul is very dark. Feel free to use whatever color you want. Maybe your soul is green or purple or navy. I don’t know your life.

 Don’t worry about making it perfect. Just toss it on there. If you look like you’ve been punched in the eye then you’ve nailed it. Next you should blend with a shimmery color. Blending is everything. BLEND.

4. Eyeliner.

Stick this pointy object near your eye with surgical-like precision. I never said this wouldn’t be dangerous. It’s time to buck up and make Cleopatra proud.

5. Mascara.

This is a magical wand that you use to put black goo on your eyelashes to make them long and clumpy. It’s my favorite beauty product by far. Make sure you use the waterproof kind. Why? Because you’re probably going to be crying later when he doesn’t call or text or send you a postcard and we can’t have you looking like there is an oil spill on your face.

6. Eyelash curler.

Use this medieval torture device to ensure maximum eyelash curliness. All the magazines will tell you to do this before applying mascara, but I like to live on the edge. Will my eyelashes get stuck inside? Who knows! No fear! Get wild!

7. Fake eyelashes.

Don’t you dare skip this step. Guys love that porn star meets Harajuku girl look. Make sure you look up at him like, “Who me? Giggle giggle giggle!”

It takes quite a bit of skill to put these on. Don’t fret. As long as they’re in the general vicinity of your eyes it’s okay. He’ll be so busy looking at your chest he won’t notice.

8. Lip gloss.

Choose something in a sparkly pinkish color. And you better lay it on thick, woman. Too much is never enough. Your lips should be so sticky that you can barely open your mouth. Men get very distracted by shiny objects. Plus, he’s not listening to anything you say anyway. Basically, you want him to look at your mouth and be like ooooh her mouth is so glossy and beautiful, I hope she lets me put my penis in there later.

Not sure if you have enough? Take your hair down and shake it back and forth in front of your face. Did some stick to your lips? YOU’RE GOLDEN.

9. Hair.

Think volume. Tease the shit out of your hair. Not Texas-teased, but pretty damn teased, alright? Tease. it. up.

Then, grab the hairspray and go to town.

I mean it.There needs to be so much hairspray in your hair that you fear for your life near an open flame. Just hope that your dinner isn’t candlelit. Like I said before, I never said beauty wasn’t dangerous.

And Voila! 

Complete your new look with a dress you can’t breathe in, shoes you can’t walk in, and then drown yourself in that perfume you got on sale at Bath & Body Works. If you feel comfortable, then you should change outfits immediately. If you can’t give him directions to your house by telling him to follow your scent, then spritz spritz spritz. Beauty is pain, girls. Nobody said this would be easy.