As some of you may know, I went up to the big apple a while back. Yeah, like a month ago. I learned three very important lessons on my trip:
1. Wear comfortable shoes. I was all like, “Oh yeah, I’m gonna wear my cute little dress with my cute little sandals.” What a dumbass. I spent more time complaining about my foot pain than I did enjoying the New York experience. I couldn’t feel my hips for a week afterward. Next time, forget fashion. I’m dressing like I’m going to the gym (ya know, if I ever went to the gym). I’ll complete the look with a fanny pack. And one of those clear plastic things that you put your credit cards in and wear under your clothes (ya know, if I had credit cards).
2. Don’t smile at anyone. My friends and I were at a bar, standing in our usual circular formation because no man is worth anything unless they are confident enough to enter our fortress. I was laughing at something and made the mistake of looking to my left while still smiling, accidentally making eye contact with this dude. Uh oh. He comes over and just starts dancing, not with any of us, just by himself on the outside of our group. I’m so painfully skilled at the brush off that I brush off guys THAT I LIKE, so this was a no brainer for me. In doing this, I left my poor friend Laura to deal with him. Laura, if you ever read this, I am sorry. Then he starts telling everyone to do this dance where we thrust our breasts upward (yeah it was effing weird). A couple of us start doing it for fear that he was a serial killer. If I didn’t do his dance he would probably kill me and then every time he saw a girl who looked like me he would kill them too. Anyway, we’re nervously doing this…thing…and he, I kid you not, goes, “Oh yeah, that’s what daddy likes.” Uh whaaaaat? This was mostly directed towards Laura. Again, please forgive me. So yeah, we just walk away at that point. Moral of the story: never laugh with your friends because you might accidentally invite a serial killer into your group.
3. Haul ass everywhere you go. I never knew that I moved at such a glacial pace until I was in the Subway station. At one point, I swear I felt like Simba when he was stuck in the stampede. Except I didn’t have Mufasa to come save (and then die for) me. Shit, I’m sad now. Everyone was so wired up and nervous that I wanted to just stop and shout, “CHILL OUT PEOPLE THE CITY ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE CALM DOWN YOU’RE MAKING ME NEED AN ATIVAN.” This is also another reason you should wear comfortable shoes. And keep anxiety meds on your person at all times.
There you have it. Now, heed my advice and go to New York because it’s awesome.