Lets Talk About Fifty Shades of Grey

Ladies. Ladies. Attention: Ladies.

If you’ve been living under a rock on another planet in another galaxy and don’t know about this book, let me give you a quick summary. Shy, naive recent college grad Anastasia Steele meets strong, powerful CEO Christian Grey. They get involved. She discovers that he’s into some hardcore BDSM/S&M whatever stuff and that he takes “mommy issues” to a whole other level. Ah, but then she starts to fall in love with him…..but at what cost, ya know??? What will happen? Will he change for her? Blah blah blah.

The only way I really know how to describe this book is to call it porn for women. It’s actually been pulled from some library shelves for being “too pornographic.” (Oh snap!) That’s right sisters. Gone are the days where you have to sit there and watch a girl give a guy head for ten minutes before a less than satisfying sex scene that only caters to a male audience. Now that we have Fifty Shades of Grey, we can turn to just about any page we want and find something to suit any taste. You want regular run-of-the-mill “vanilla” sex, as Mr. Grey likes to call it? This book has it. Oh, but maybe you want something involving a riding crop, cable ties, and a blindfold? It’s got that too. Seriously, nothing happens in this book except sex. Eh, there’s some other stuff about graduation and an internship and a mother who lives in Florida. Is it Florida? Or Georgia? See, I can’t even remember because it doesn’t matter.

I have to warn you that the writing is miserably horrible. The dialogue is forced and the characters just all around suck. I’m thinking the lack of character quality has something to do with the fact that they are based on Twilight fan fiction. Christian Grey = Edward. Anastasia = Bella. That other dude that is in love with Anastasia, but she only likes him as a friend = Jacob. But I mean, you’re not going to read this book because it’s intellectually stimulating. You’re going to read this book because it’s stimulating in other areas, if you catch my drift.

You might be saying, “Oh Hillary, I could never enjoy a book that involves the degradation of women solely for the purpose of a man’s sexual enjoyment. Feminism forever!” And I was saying the same thing to myself until I was like EFF THAT THIS IS KINDA HOTTTT. In fact, there were only two things about this book that offended me, neither of which involved sexual acts. One being that this story takes place in 2011 and this girl doesn’t have a laptop. Call me privileged, but how in the world did she survive college without a laptop??? Christian graciously gives her one, though, so she can research his “practice” and also so they can exchange dirty emails. The other thing being that in one scene she is getting ready for a date with Christian and she pins some of her hair back with a comb. A COMB. I’m assuming it’s one of those small ones with the little embellishments on it. No one has used those things since the dawn of  teased hair a.k.a. THE EIGHTIES. Get in our decade, E.L. James.

So yeah. Fifty Shades of Grey? More like Fifty Shades of Wait A Second…Am I Into that Shit?

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7 thoughts on “Lets Talk About Fifty Shades of Grey

  1. ha. ha. I downloaded a sample..writing sucks, but I haven’t gotten into the other “parts”. I was planning to write a blog post about this book too but I imagine mine would look totally different since I’m an old married woman..something like….this is science fiction and basically a rip off of 91/2 Weeks.
    too funny Hillary!

  2. while reading this whole post i was in defensive mode.
    “oh my gosh, the writing is not THAT bad!” is what i’ve been thinking. “it’s still a LITTLE better than Twilight” is what i’ve been thinking.
    but it is.
    and it’s not.

    okay, my defensive mode is even arguing with my realistic mode.
    it’s a little better than twilight. the writing is a liiiittle. better. even though she does repeat the same phrases five thousand bajillion times. “So much has happened today!” “So much has happened today!” SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED THIS WEEK! oh my god, she changed the word from “today” to “this week”. literary genius.

    but whatever. now that i’m reading them through the second time, i’m actually skipping a lot of the sex scenes.
    wow, he puts his hands in her hair. so new.

    damnit hillary. you make me hate myself for liking this book. you ruin the enjoyable things in life. i am convinced that this book was meant to mean more to me than just some good sex scenes, and dammit, it will.

    curse you and your negativity.

    • As always, fuck, you provide great points of argument. The writing is shitty and I will not back down on that. As for the sex scenes, I think they are much better than ones you might find in other romance novels. He does way more than just pull her hair, okay? Now you’re making me hate myself for liking the sex scenes.

      I do not ruin the enjoyable things in life! LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE, FUCK, DON’T LISTEN TO ME.

      I’m not negative, I’m…awesome.

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