How To Get A Man of Your Very Own

So you’ve met someone and you want to smash your face and body up against their face and body? But you might want to do more than that, too? Like talk and hold hands and all that other really cute stuff that’s only cute if you’re the one doing it? Here’s how to make this happen:

1. Do your recon. This means facebook stalk the living daylights out of this person. So they went flyfishing in the Adirondacks last summer, eh? Better study up, because as far as they’re concerned you love to fish. Fishing is your life. Now, if it ever comes up you can wow them with your knowledge of lines and casts and lures and what the hell am I talking about? But what if they ask you to go fishing sometime and then discover you’re a total fraud and they leave you stranded in the Adirondacks to die?  Don’t worry, just wear something short and cleavage-baring. “Silly me! It’s been so long since I’ve done this. Maybe you could refresh my memory? Heeheehee look at me bat my eyelashes! Look down my shirt! Maybe you should stand behind me and show me how to hold the fishing pole! Heeheehee I’m a woman!”

2. Start up a conversation. This convo will probably take place via facebook or text. You’ll need to spend about five hours composing, “Great meeting you the other night! Maybe I’ll see you out again sometime :)” Then, you’ll need to ask a minimum of three friends if this is too annoying or if it just needs something else. Then, you should read over it ten times, hover over the send button for one minute, and close your eyes while you press it. Next, you’ll do one of two things: if this was a text, you’ll throw your phone across the room because oh my god they’re going to think you’re so dumb and if your phone is broken you will never have to face this thing again OR sit and stare at your phone or computer screen, gradually getting angrier and angrier when they don’t respond right away. You’ll probably curse the day they were born and say they better be lying in a ditch somewhere or having dinner with their grandparents because what else could be more important than you??

3. Set up a casual encounter. That is, if all has gone well in the previous step. This meet-up must happen at a bar in a group setting with lots o’ liquid courage. Every shot you take equals 30 minutes of shameless flirtation. Drink up, dollface, it’s your time to shine. Be careful, though. You still need to maintain a cool, mysterious exterior. Where alcohol is involved, there is a fine line between, “Oh, hi” and “OH HEY BOI I LOVE YOU LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES!” Also remember that where alcohol is involved, there is a distinct possibility that face and/or body smash will happen. This is all on you, but I’d advise to take a cue from Ciara and keep the goodies in the jar at this point.

4. Go on a real date. Real date meaning you wear a pretty dress and your favorite perfume and you’re so nervous you want to roll around on the floor and pull all your hair out. They pick you up and take you to dinner where you talk about where you’re from originally and where you work and do you like it or not blah blah blah small talk. Then you go to a movie or go for a walk or you do both of those things. This step is crucial if you want this to become a more-than-physical relationship. Shit gets real on a real date. The real date is where you determine if you want it to get really real. For real.

5. Enter cloud nine. You swear that this person is the most greatest most awesomest most beautifulest angel descended from the heavens. Your friends want to punch you in the ovaries because you won’t shut the eff up about it.

This process could take between one week and ten years.

Good luck! Kisses!

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4 thoughts on “How To Get A Man of Your Very Own

  1. Pingback: How to Put Your Face On « Meet Me In The Crowd

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