How To Get Ready For Summer

  • Read the June issue of every women’s magazine ever. You can wear eyeliner to the beach! You probably have a cancerous mole! Celebrities have body issues too! Have that steamy summer fling you’ve always wanted!
  • Ditch the body hair. You’re single as hayell, so the only thing that touched your legs last winter was your favorite pair of sweatpants. The time is now. Free your gams from their sheath of hair despair!
  • Buy a new swimsuit. According to the June issue of every women’s magazine ever, women with small busts should wear ruffles and string bikini tops and women with large busts should batten down the hatches with a classic halter. High-waisted bottoms are also in, as seen on Katy Perry. But are you Katy Perry? NO. Stay away from the high-wasted bottoms.
  • Mentally prepare yourself for that inevitable moment when the coverup comes off and everyone can see your bright white bod. From outer space you appear to be a glowing orb of pure energy. Let there be light!
  • Invest in some aloe vera gel because you’re the dumbass who doesn’t wear sunscreen. “I have to burn if I want to get tan,” you say. STOP SAYING THAT AND WEAR THE DAMN SUNSCREEN.
  • Stock up on some good reading material. Be sure to choose something with tawdry love affairs and no plot line whatsoever . Save Crime and Punishment for those cold November nights spent inside your bottomless pit of self-loathing.
  • Let your straightener go into hibernation because humidity is a giant monster of suck. Lucky for you beachy waves are, like, SO totes in girlfraaand.
  • Plan lots of weekend beach trips because what is summer without sand??? Everywhere. All places. Weeks later, it’s still there.

Go hang out with your friends. Go eat watermelon and complain about the heat. Wear shorts and skirts and tank tops. Drink beer and wine coolers by the pool. Go out and order a fruity technicolor drink because summer is the only time you can do this without looking like a dick. While driving, stick your hand out the window and pretend you’re in a movie montage about a girl on a journey of self-discovery.

SUMMER. YEAH.

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