I’M GOING TO NEW YORK

Later y’all. I’m off to NYC to visit my friend Lauren.

I’m so excited I could die.

It’s fleet week. I might run away with a sailor.

I’ll probably stay up there forever.

If you’ll miss me too much while I’m gone, you should follow me on Twitter because I’ma bout to live tweet the sheet out of this trip.

Byeeeee

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How To Get A Man of Your Very Own

So you’ve met someone and you want to smash your face and body up against their face and body? But you might want to do more than that, too? Like talk and hold hands and all that other really cute stuff that’s only cute if you’re the one doing it? Here’s how to make this happen:

1. Do your recon. This means facebook stalk the living daylights out of this person. So they went flyfishing in the Adirondacks last summer, eh? Better study up, because as far as they’re concerned you love to fish. Fishing is your life. Now, if it ever comes up you can wow them with your knowledge of lines and casts and lures and what the hell am I talking about? But what if they ask you to go fishing sometime and then discover you’re a total fraud and they leave you stranded in the Adirondacks to die?  Don’t worry, just wear something short and cleavage-baring. “Silly me! It’s been so long since I’ve done this. Maybe you could refresh my memory? Heeheehee look at me bat my eyelashes! Look down my shirt! Maybe you should stand behind me and show me how to hold the fishing pole! Heeheehee I’m a woman!”

2. Start up a conversation. This convo will probably take place via facebook or text. You’ll need to spend about five hours composing, “Great meeting you the other night! Maybe I’ll see you out again sometime :)” Then, you’ll need to ask a minimum of three friends if this is too annoying or if it just needs something else. Then, you should read over it ten times, hover over the send button for one minute, and close your eyes while you press it. Next, you’ll do one of two things: if this was a text, you’ll throw your phone across the room because oh my god they’re going to think you’re so dumb and if your phone is broken you will never have to face this thing again OR sit and stare at your phone or computer screen, gradually getting angrier and angrier when they don’t respond right away. You’ll probably curse the day they were born and say they better be lying in a ditch somewhere or having dinner with their grandparents because what else could be more important than you??

3. Set up a casual encounter. That is, if all has gone well in the previous step. This meet-up must happen at a bar in a group setting with lots o’ liquid courage. Every shot you take equals 30 minutes of shameless flirtation. Drink up, dollface, it’s your time to shine. Be careful, though. You still need to maintain a cool, mysterious exterior. Where alcohol is involved, there is a fine line between, “Oh, hi” and “OH HEY BOI I LOVE YOU LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES!” Also remember that where alcohol is involved, there is a distinct possibility that face and/or body smash will happen. This is all on you, but I’d advise to take a cue from Ciara and keep the goodies in the jar at this point.

4. Go on a real date. Real date meaning you wear a pretty dress and your favorite perfume and you’re so nervous you want to roll around on the floor and pull all your hair out. They pick you up and take you to dinner where you talk about where you’re from originally and where you work and do you like it or not blah blah blah small talk. Then you go to a movie or go for a walk or you do both of those things. This step is crucial if you want this to become a more-than-physical relationship. Shit gets real on a real date. The real date is where you determine if you want it to get really real. For real.

5. Enter cloud nine. You swear that this person is the most greatest most awesomest most beautifulest angel descended from the heavens. Your friends want to punch you in the ovaries because you won’t shut the eff up about it.

This process could take between one week and ten years.

Good luck! Kisses!

What’s Your Sign?

Suddenly I feel like the zodiac is trying to speak to me. Not in a zodiac killer kind of way. Like, I don’t want to murder people and then send cryptic messages to my local newspaper or anything….I’ve just been seeing and hearing and talking about star signs a lot lately.

The other day I was meeting with a lady at a staffing agency. After I told her I was very organized and detail-oriented she asked me what my sign was. No one has ever asked me that before (besides maybe a friend when we’re reading our horocopes. OH EM GEE GURL YOU’RE GONNA FIND LOVE ON THE 18TH WHEN YOUR MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE!) so I wasn’t sure if she was serious. So I kind of giggled and paused for what felt like an eon and said, “Virgo, also known as: anal-retentive bitch.” Just kidding. I only said the Virgo part. She thought I was a Capricorn because her sister is a Capricorn and she’s a perfectionist and likes to be in control and have everything in order. Maybe I’m really a Capricorn.

The next day I’m scrolling through my Twitter feed and I see that someone re-tweeted this:

Who me? Teeheeheeheehee

THEN (the plot thickens), I was getting my tumblr on yesterday and someone posted this:

I like to think that all of this is true. But then again I also like to think that a Virgo woman would never wear that ungodly outfit. That is NOT my idea of good color blocking. 

But wait, there’s more:

Okay, so some of these are definitely true. BUT I am so not argumentative or fussy or annoying. Right?? Overcritical, for sure. Oh my god, I just noticed this lady has a tattoo of a heart with an arrow through it. 

Does any of this mean anything? Does anything mean anything? All I really know is that Cosmo says I should challenge my boyfriend or hubby to a game of strip poker on the 7th. The lucky Sun will ensure that I win…leaving me with a sexy, naked man on my hands.

…..I don’t know how to play poker.

How To Get Ready For Summer

  • Read the June issue of every women’s magazine ever. You can wear eyeliner to the beach! You probably have a cancerous mole! Celebrities have body issues too! Have that steamy summer fling you’ve always wanted!
  • Ditch the body hair. You’re single as hayell, so the only thing that touched your legs last winter was your favorite pair of sweatpants. The time is now. Free your gams from their sheath of hair despair!
  • Buy a new swimsuit. According to the June issue of every women’s magazine ever, women with small busts should wear ruffles and string bikini tops and women with large busts should batten down the hatches with a classic halter. High-waisted bottoms are also in, as seen on Katy Perry. But are you Katy Perry? NO. Stay away from the high-wasted bottoms.
  • Mentally prepare yourself for that inevitable moment when the coverup comes off and everyone can see your bright white bod. From outer space you appear to be a glowing orb of pure energy. Let there be light!
  • Invest in some aloe vera gel because you’re the dumbass who doesn’t wear sunscreen. “I have to burn if I want to get tan,” you say. STOP SAYING THAT AND WEAR THE DAMN SUNSCREEN.
  • Stock up on some good reading material. Be sure to choose something with tawdry love affairs and no plot line whatsoever . Save Crime and Punishment for those cold November nights spent inside your bottomless pit of self-loathing.
  • Let your straightener go into hibernation because humidity is a giant monster of suck. Lucky for you beachy waves are, like, SO totes in girlfraaand.
  • Plan lots of weekend beach trips because what is summer without sand??? Everywhere. All places. Weeks later, it’s still there.

Go hang out with your friends. Go eat watermelon and complain about the heat. Wear shorts and skirts and tank tops. Drink beer and wine coolers by the pool. Go out and order a fruity technicolor drink because summer is the only time you can do this without looking like a dick. While driving, stick your hand out the window and pretend you’re in a movie montage about a girl on a journey of self-discovery.

SUMMER. YEAH.

5 (More) Things I Want You to Watch Instantly on Netflix

1. The Fall

Very pretty to look at, super imaginative, and will probably make you cry (in a good way). Also, I want to build a shrine dedicated to Lee Pace’s eyebrows. Or maybe just Lee Pace in general.

2. I Am Love

It has everything you could want in a movie: a scandalous love story, family drama, and a beautiful setting. Plus, I love Tilda Swinton and her wardrobe in this is FABULOUS. This is in Italian, so if you don’t know Italian and are too lazy to read subtitles, then whatever.

3. Melancholia

Not the feel-good movie of the century, but boy is it a visual stunner. It won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but it offers an excellent commentary on how depression and anxiety manifests itself differently in different people.

(I was so impressed that I decided to watch Lars Von Trier’s other movie, Antichrist. HOL-Y SHIT WHAT DID I JUST WATCH??? I was so disturbed by this movie that I felt the need to drink a tall glass of happiness and sunshine afterwards. I’m not easily phased by much, but there were some scenes that I kind of wish I could unsee. BUT if anyone sees this and wants to discuss, pleeeease holler at me).

4. Louis C.K.: Hilarious

COMIC RELIEF because everything I watch is depressing as shit. This is aptly named. If you like to laugh, watch it.

5. Pearl Jam Twenty 

I love documentaries like this because they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Plus, I’ve always been obsessed with the whole 90’s grunge thing. Even if you’re not a Pearl Jam fan, I highly recommend because who doesn’t love it when smart, talented people find success without compromise?

Here’s my other post on Netflix stuffz. Not sure if all of these are still available for instant streaming, though.