The 4 Types of Men That I Go For

Deny it all you want, but everyone has a type. Or, if you’re like me, multiple types. Although these aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, all will definitely be emotionally unavailable and probably have dark hair.

1. The Quasi-Nerd.  I say quasi because I’m not talking a full-on Revenge of the Nerds guy, but more of a Seth Cohen-esque geek. He’s super smart and witty and will know exactly what I mean when I say that the tenth doctor is my favorite. He is highly skilled at wordplay and our banter would be never ending. He probably wears t-shirts with geometrical designs on them and he also makes math jokes. We would so totally do crossword puzzles together. I had a professor once that said he and his wife did the New York Times crossword together every morning, even over skype when he was out of town. How flippin cute is that, you guys? He was such a quasi-nerd.

2. The Outdoorsman. I boggle my own mind with this one, seeing as how I am sooo not outdoorsy. Don’t get me wrong, I can totally appreciate nature’s awesomeness. I read Emerson’s essay and was like, “Shit yeah, man! That’s dope!” Mountains are beautiful, but I don’t have any desire to climb them. And why on earth would I want to do something that requires me to wear a helmet and prop myself up on a giant flotation device to go rip roarin’ down the river? But these outdoorsy guys are always so…nice. They walk around and look up at the sky and just…smile! I mean, who does that?! They also wear flannel every day (even in the summertime somehow) and usually have some serious beardage going on. Score and score.

3. The Quintessential Alt-Bag. I like this guy because we’re both good at trying really hard to act like we’re not trying really hard. He has moustache wax in his medicine cabinet and wears leather jackets while leaning against old brick buildings. He listens to Joy Division on vinyl, has tattoos and probably a cat. Throw a cigarette in that mouth and I am going going gone. His faux laissez faire attitude makes me swoon so hard. This one’s the most emotionally unavailable of them all, but that’s okay because I am too! We can make this work, baby! Love will NOT tear us apart!

4. The Musician. Oh dear Lord kill me now, the musician. I love music. It is my guiding light, my North star. So it’s only natural that I develop this undying devotion to any dude that makes sweet sweet musical goodness. Sigh….guys who exercise the right side of their brains are so hot. I don’t even care what kind of instrument he plays. He could play the frickin lyre and I’d still be like, “Shall we make our way into your chamber, m’lord?” And then he’d be like, “As you wish, m’lady.” Beware, the alt-bag and musician combo is both common and dangerous, but I laugh in the face of danger!

Re: Lena Dunham

Why does everyone love to hate on Lena Dunham so much? I think she’s fantastic. I thought the pilot for her new show (Girls) was pretty funny. I thought her movie (Tiny Furniture) was super witty. 

Oh, is it because she’s self-indulgent? I think that’s her point. What 20-something isn’t (to some extent)? We all think that no one understands what we’re going through. Let’s all whine and cry and BLOG about it. We’re young! We do what we want! Stop putting so much pressure on us! Sound familiar?

Oh, is it because she only focuses on the privileged white girl? So what? It’s shoved down our throats that we should “write what we know.” Maybe that’s what Ms. Dunham knows. Chill.

Oh, but this makes her tv show and movie super unrelatable. Call me crazy, but what we watch for entertainment doesn’t have to be relatable for it to be enjoyable. We don’t watch an episode of Friends and think, “I love this show because it mirrors my life! So and so is totally a Joey and I am such a Rachel! And we always have a couch reserved at our local coffee shop and this guy works there that is sooo in love with me OMG, Y’ALL.” Oh, and have you ever heard of a little show called Gossip Girl?!

So yeah, just leave her alone, will you? Especially the people who HAVEN’T EVEN WATCHED HER STUFF YET and instead base their claims on somebody who’s been sippin on haterade over at The Huffington Post. (I love The Huffington Post, though, and did I really just say “haterade”? Whatever).

But I guess at the end of the day, to each his own and blah blah blah we all have our own opinions blah blah blah expand your horizons and shit. Make love not war, you guyzzzzz.

This is the part where you say, “I don’t know who Lena Dunham is.”

10 Things To Do When You Can’t Sleep

1. Re-organize something. Last night I ripped my wall organizer down, dumped everything onto my floor, rolled around in the mess, and then threw it all away. I don’t need you, Dryel coupon that expired in November! Be gone from my life!

2. Look up the lyrics to every song that ever existed ever. I do this because I’m bored and also because I’m the asshole that tells you when you’re singing something wrong.

3. TUMBLR. Look at that cat hugging that dog! Reblog. Look at that really hot celebrity! Reblog. Look at that tamagotchi! Remember those? OMG I so had one of those! Memories! Childhood! Reblog.

4. Make a list of all the cool things you’d like to do. Anything seems possible at 3 a.m., which is why my most recent addition is “Circumnavigate the globe…on foot.”

5. Read a magazine. Did you know that Marie Claire has deemed this “the year of the vagina?” It’s true because of all these shows featuring funny females. Thank God for TV shows or else no one would know that women can be funny……(I do adore New Girl, though)

6. Read a book. I usually last for maybe 4 pages and then my neck starts to hurt and I’m so over it. I love to read, but only when I have something else that needs to be done. I never have anything else to do anymore, so I never read.

7. Netflix. There are some real gems here if you’re willing to dig for them. Honestly, what ends up happening is I spend more time trying to find something to watch than I do actually watching something. Sure, I’ll add that to my queue but I’m just not “in the mood” for that kind of thing right now. Everything that goes in my queue dies in my queue and is forgotten for all eternity. Just watch Arrested Development instead.

8. Facebook/Twitter. I shudder to even include these because there’s really nothing for anyone there. But if you insist, I’d suggest you look at graffiti that you drew back when that was the cool thing to do, look at the profile pictures of some girl you went to preschool with and discover that she has a couple of kids, and then analyze your own facebook to the point that you hate everything about facebook and think about deleting it but then you’re like, “Nahhhh.”

9. Listen to music. I don’t mean just have it playing in the background while you’re looking at someone’s SpRiNg BrEaK album from 2008. I mean, listen to it for the sake of listening to it. I recommend something super melancholic, like Radiohead or Fiona Apple. Nothing makes me feel good about myself quite like a little Karma Police or O’Sailor in the early morning hours. Am I sad because I listen to Radiohead or do I listen to Radiohead because I’m sad? Psht. I’m not sad, I’m TIRED AS HELL.

10. I lied about there being 10 things. GO TO SLEEP ALREADY.

Showing Emotion

“Gosh Hillary, I can read you like a book!” – No one

I’m having an okay day:

I’m having a good day:

Today is totally sucking:

I’m loving life right now:

I hate myself, leave me alone:

I’m having an alright time:

I’M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE HOLY HELL I LOVE YOU GUYS I LOVE EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!jakdjfa;dfjadfja!!!!! WEEEEEE THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVERRR:

Yeah.

On another note, can we talk about my GOTH hair? Damn me and my impulsive dye jobs. 

In Which I Blog About Marilyn Manson For Some Reason

I am the type of person that can park it on the couch for 8 hours while watching a Metal Evolution marathon on VH1 Classic. I am also the type of person that feels the need to google the shit out of everything. What does this mean? This means that last Saturday, I spent more time than I would like to admit watching Marilyn Manson interviews on youtube and discovering that he dated Evan freakin Rachel Wood (plus Rose McGowan plus Dita Von Teese). What does this mean? This means that I suddenly find myself admiring Marilyn Manson. Not in the same way that I admire Michael Fassbender or tattooed guys holding cats, but in the way that I admire a professor that I like to hear speak, but am scared to death will call on me.

I just had to find out why these total bombshells would see this dude and be like, “Hey boi lemme get atchu.”

Evan Rachel Wood was in one of his music videos about heart shaped glasses or something and then they had sex while blood poured all over them. Since E.R.W. was only 19 at the time, I’m thinking this was some type of rebellion thing, which I totally get. Except my idea of being rebellious involves refusing to pay back my student loans and hiding from the government for the rest of my life.

Dita Von Teese is no surprise to me. She has her own brand of freak show going on, so why wouldn’t those two click? (This search led me down a whole other cyber-road where I found myself being really pissed off that her fragrance isn’t sold in the U.S. Why should I care? I don’t know).

As for Rose McGowan, I’m not really sure. All I know is that she wore that “dress” once that just looked like she’d draped herself in bicycle chains and everyone was like “Gasp! Naked flesh!” But I mean, if I had an ass like that I would probably do the same. Actually, I probably wouldn’t. Another thing I know is that this lady who cut my hair once said that I look like her. I don’t see it, but I still cling to it so hard that my knuckles are white.

ANYWAY THE POINT IS, I think I’ve cracked the code. After watching this interview from the O’Reilly Factor, I knew. This dude’s sharp. Weird as hell, but super articulate and funny. He’s definitely got a bit of a chip on his shoulder, but I guess if you can look past that and the bizarre get-up, he’s an alright fella. Too bad his music sucks, thus keeping him off my radar. Rest easy, parental unit. The strangest guy I’ll be bringing to Christmas dinner will probably just have an unhealthy amount of flannel shirts and a penchant for smoking pipe tobacco.

7 Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life (…if I wrote for Cosmo)

What’s got these two looking so satisfied? Keep reading to find out.  

1. Become a bedroom ninja. Sneak into your man’s abode and hide under the bed, in his closet, or behind the shower curtain. Pretend you’re a crouching tiger waiting for his hidden dragon. When he’s least expecting it, surprise him and unleash your inner samurai. Want to up the ante? Tie a pair of silk panties around your head, ninja-style.

2. Make sure your mouth and hands are everywhere on his body – all at once. How is this possible, you ask? Grow two mouths and eight arms. That’s octo-hot.

3. Take foreplay to the next level. The literary level. This is a time for you to recite all the haikus you wrote about his forearms and hands. Not only will he appreciate your poetic vision, but he will be flattered that you like his forearms and hands.

4. Bring food into the boudoir. Forget the whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Men are carnivorous creatures and love steak. Marinate yourself in steak sauce all day and let him t-bone you instead.

5. Blindfolds…for both of you. This creates a heightening of the senses for both you and him. This will also improve communication because was that the tv remote or is he just happy to see you? Another bonus: you can play doctor the next day since you bruise very easily.

6. Take your love train into imagination station. Sit down in front of each other and stare deeply into into each other’s eyes. Next, go on a carnal knowledge quest…using only your minds. This is great for couples that wish to remain chaste and pure.

7. Wear his clothes. Men love it when you do this. Kick it up a notch by playing Madden Warfare World Cup all day while ignoring his texts and phone calls.

Source: Dr. Sexton at the I Promise I Know About Sex Institute