Hey, so…

Do you ever wish that letters were still our primary form of communication? I do.

We think waiting for a text is bad. Imagine waiting a month or more for a letter from your betrothed.

Picture it: Early 1800’s, Atlanta…”Mama, has the post boy come by yet?” I would call out hopefully as I bound down the stairs in my green velvet corset gown…

Yeahhh I’m nostalgic for a period of time in which I never lived.

Anyone trying to be my pen pal? I’m totes for real. Get at me.

Also, check this out. Maybe I’ll start writing letters to my celebrity crushes.

Look at him, being all Adam Scott-ish. What if he were Scottish? Imagine that. 

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How to make it through a long day at the office:

  • Bathroom breaks. Lots of ’em. And while you’re washing your hands you should stare deeply into your own eyes and ask yourself, “Why?”
  • Email someone. Maybe your Mom. Maybe your friend who also has an office job. Your Mom will tell you she loves you. Your friend will join you in your countdown to quittin’ time and also talk about baked goods and boyzzzz.
  • Get the hell out of the building during your lunch hour. It doesn’t matter if you packed your lunch or not. This brief reminder that there is an outside world will propel you into the afternoon with a renewed sense of vigor. Maybe you should take a short drive around the block. Sure, it might waste a little gas, but my god it is wonderful. If you do this, make sure the last song you listen to is a good one because (if all goes well) it will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.
  • Try your hardest to remember the song you played in the car earlier. Try your hardest to remember any song to get this Katy Perry bullshit out of your head. “We made out in your mustang to Radiohead…” What? Shut up, Katy. (You actually kind of like Katy Perry).
  • When you go to the copy room, take a few deep breaths while you wait for your docs (office lingo!) to print. As you’re gripping the door handle to leave, say a quick, “You can do this!” to yourself. You go you! You’re awesome!
  • Take a moment to decide what you want for dinner tonight. Maybe you’ll cook something new. Yeah, you can just swing by the grocery store on your way home and grab the ingredients you need. Look at you Miss Domesticity! (In the back of your mind you know good and well that you’ll be too lazy to cook and will end up eating a bowl of cereal or chips and hummus. It’s okay).
  • You’re thirsty. Go grab a Diet Pepsi. You prefer Diet Coke, but the Pepsi is FREE and there are sooo many.
  • Think you might need a water to wash down that soft drink? Better go get a bottle, which is also FREE  and there are sooo many.
  • For the last 30 minutes of the day, do not work. This is your time to power down, to center your chi or whatever. Check for desk clutter. Make sure your stapler, hole puncher, and paper clips are placed just so. Stare at your computer screen and scroll up and down. This makes it look like you’re reading something important, when really you’re fantasizing about the hour hand on the five and the minute hand on the twelve.
  • Bonus Valentine’s Day tip: When you walk by all those offices with the pretty flowers on display like little love trophies, don’t scoff! Be happy that these women have groovy kinds of love. Work is not the place for jealousy. Save the bitterness for later, while you’re nestled in bed with your cat, watching Love Story and wishing that you could be in a snowball fight with young Ryan O’Neal.

What I Said During the Super Bowl

First, I need to say that I didn’t start watching until the end of the second quarter. Also, I know very little about football. Also, I had an entire bottle of wine during the game.

“That guy’s voice annoys me.”

“Tom Brady isn’t even that good looking.”

“Madonna’s dancers are cooler than she is.”

“Look it’s LMF-whatever.”

“Nickiiii Whatsssupppp.”

“L-U-V MADONNNA.”

“I’m falling into the abysss.”

“Sparkly choir robes!”

“She dropped down like that show Russian Roulette. She got the answer wrong.”

“They were like, ‘Who should we get for the commercial? How bout Betty White?’”

“SIXTY MINUTES A DAY????”

“I remember when I cheered for football, we used to just decide who had the best butt on the team.”

“But, I’m not really an ass girl. Like, I don’t really care about a guy’s butt.”

“Ocho cinco, that’sa mah name-o.”

“I just want the underdog to win, you know what I’m sayin?”

“What does MHK stand for?”

Brittany: “My Head K-ah”

“I’m glad you didn’t make me lay in my bed watching Rocky. Now, I’m drinking wine and getting crunk instead.”

“Why are they showing those people? Why are they showing you? Look at that fat baby, it’s so cute!.”

“I can make it through a whole bottle for this game! Woohooo!”

“See, that’s funny because John Stamos is Greek, so they put him on a Greek yogurt commercial.”

“Nooo you effer! Ok, you got it.”

“I don’t really care about either of these teams, I just want the Giants to win.”

“Yeah, Eli Manning is kind of cute. He doesn’t look like a douche.”

Brittany: ” Cruuuuuuuuuz”

“Do you ever just get the urge to bite something?”

“Tommy Lee looks like an old man.”

“Eli Manning actually kind of looks like a little kid.”

“OH SHIT.”

“NBCEE IT. How clever.”

” I just spilled my wine for the Giants.”

“Konichiwa Mothatruckaaas.”

“That was a great game. I don’t know where it went or what happened.”

Me, posing with some football players.