I peed on a church last year.


Some people are happy to see 2011 get outta here. Some had a great 2011 and hope that 2012 will be just as awesome. Others (myself included) feel kinda neutral about it. 2011 wasn’t horrible for me. It also wasn’t super crazy mega fabulous, either. Every year has it’s ups and downs, sometimes with more downs than usual. I think it’s, like, too cool that every person has a different outlook on their year…their life…their EXISTENCE. Holy shit things just got deep.

Anyway. Yeah, you read the title of this post correctly. I peed on a church this past Halloween. I was a flapper and the Chinese restaurant had their bathrooms barricaded with trash cans. BARRICADED. There were people all over the place and I couldn’t get inside ANYWHERE. So yeah. My friend was like, “Let’s walk up behind the street and maybe find somewhere you can go where no one can see you.” I was desperate. Oh look! Some bushes! Parfait!

So there I was popping a squat next to this beautiful brick building when I look up and realize that the bushes only cover the left side of my body. The right side of my body is wiiiiide open spaaaces. Somehow this doesn’t phase me, so I carry on. I hear a voice. A voice that is not my friend. It’s a male voice. SHIT. It’s a guy dressed up as a doctor. Doctors see everything, though, ya know? They see things that are way more degrading than a flapper girl taking a piss by a bush. Plus, he’s talking on his cell phone, so he’s distracted. Must be a patient of his or something. Hope everything’s alright. Okay, he’s gone. Hot damn, it is taking me forever to pee. Shouldn’t have had so much “water” to drink before heading out. Should’ve had the wherewithal to go BEFORE leaving. Okay, done. Let’s get back to the festivities. Hey, look at that sign! “Something something Baptist Church!” How quaint!

Wait a minute…waiiiiit just a minute. So not only was I indecently exposed, but I had just URINATED ON A PLACE OF WORSHIP??? ON HALLOWEEN???

Here’s hoping God understands that when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Here’s hoping that you live and you learn.

Here’s hoping that we all have a kick-ass 2012.


2 thoughts on “I peed on a church last year.

  1. God must have a sense of humor about stuff like this, right? I mean wouldn’t he have just smited you, if he had some issue with the peeing? And isn’t it his fault people have to pee in the first place? Clearly we’re just not done evolving yet. I think it’s funny that my auto-correct wanted to turn “smite” into “smile”… Maybe we can all learn something from that. 🙂

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