That Age

Guys, I feel something coming on. Something’s creeping in. It’s my age. And don’t you go and be all “You’re only 22! You’re so young! You are but a young flower, my child!”

What I’m trying to say is that I feel like 22 is too young to have to worry about certain things.

I texted a friend today, telling her that I met a cutie at work. Tall, dark, probably in his late 20s. And then she asked me that inevitable question. That question that I will probably have to ask myself many more times in the near future. Is he married?

And then I got to thinking…would I want to be married right now if I could be? My friends are going to start getting married soon. I can’t be the last one to get married. Then I’ll become their “single friend.” They’ll send me pity invites when they have a pool party/barbecue. Of course I’ll bring a side dish! Maybe a nice fruit salad. The salt from my bitter tears will keep it fresh!

What is married? Marriage? Love and marriage? Married with Children? Al Bundy*? What is happening?

Sure, I think about my wedding. I know what I want, where I want it, and…how I want it? I don’t know. I just know I want it….at some point. Just not anytime soon. I have shit I need to do. Places to go, people to see. At least, I think I do. I like having the option to be free is what I’m saying. I won’t even commit to getting lunch until an hour beforehand. “Hey Hillary, you wanna get some frozen yogurt tonight?” “Ehhhhh maybe. Probably. I don’t know. Maybe. We’ll see.” And the thing is, I never have anything else going on that keeps me from getting the fro-yo. I just hate having obligations. Or worse, being obligated TO someone or something. I know I know, life is full of obligations and responsibilities. Life is one big obligation. And I’m sitting here thinking, if I can’t even say for sure that I want to get fro-yo with someone for an hour or so, how am I going to say for sure that I want to SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE getting fro-yo with someone? That’s a whole lotta fro-yo, yo.

Here’s the part where you tell me that when you lurrrrve someone you want to spend all your time getting fro-yo with each other. And the fro-yo becomes a symbol of trust and admiration. The fro-yo is what holds it all together. There will be a fro-yo bar at the wedding.

Unlimited toppings.


*I had originally written Ted Bundy, but then I realized that Ted Bundy is a serial killer. Who all watches Criminal Minds say “Yeah!” Speaking of Criminal Minds, here’s a gratuitous picture of Matthew Gray Gubler and a gun.



I am doomed to spinsterdom because:

  • Last night, after putting on one of those avocado and oatmeal-Nature! All natural! It’s all natural!- masks, I thought, Hey! I look just like Hannibal Lecter!
  • I google things like, “How to read my palm” and “Felicity quotes”
  • I could (probably) go years without leaving the house…as long as I have Internet access.
  • I basically just said that I want to spend the rest of my life with the Internet.
  • Guys scare the shit out of me. What are these mysterious creatures? Men? Men are from Mars, women are from Venus?
  • My biggest goal in life, lately, is to win three games of Mahjong in a row. So far I’ve won one.
  • After typing “won one,” I thought, Homonyms! Yay! …or is it homophones? 
  • I had an internal debate with myself the other day about whether I should buy a new comforter or The Sims 3. I chose The Sims 3. I made my bed (without a new comforter), now I must lay in it. (Is it “lay in it” or “lie in it”? When I try to google it, the only thing that wants to come up are the lyrics to Makes Me Wonder by Maroon 5. Adam Levine says “lay in it”)
  • I actually like Maroon 5.
  • I took a quiz the other day that told me which character I would be from The Walking Dead. I got Lori – the strong, caring, mother. I lied on all the questions. I really have more of an “every man for himself” mentality when it comes to the zombie apocalypse. But for real though, The Walking Dead is a great show.
  • What was I talking about?
  • My emotional wall is as tall, cold, and impenetrable as The Wall on Game of Thrones. What lies beyond the wall? But for real though, Game of Thrones is a great show.
  • I curl up at night, not with the latest Nicholas Sparks book, but with Psychology of the Unconscious by Carl Jung. I also read Norton Anthologies for fun. WHO DOES THAT. I DO OKAY.
  • Jon Hamm.