The Date

date n.   an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.

Listen man, just because we go on one date doesn’t mean that I want to marry you. Sure, I might sit across the table and think how much I hope our offspring will have your eyes and hair, but come on! It’s all in good fun! I swear I keep these things to myself until I unleash them all on my friends and diary. But that’s just what girls do, okay. I have to deal with you picturing me naked all the time! Yes, I see where you’re staring. I wore this dress specifically because I  know this. You wore that plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up to just below your elbows because you know that girls love forearms. Or maybe you don’t know that girls love forearms, but you wore your shirt like that anyway. You have eyes and so do I.

And dates are fun! We girls love to get all dolled up, especially when it’s for a guy. Yeah, I said it. What’s the point in wearing this tight-ass skirt if isn’t for a dude? My friends don’t care what I look like and they know that it’s mad hard to breathe in this Forever 21 dress that I think might be a shirt, but I’m not really sure.

Let’s go to a movie! Take me to see that new X-men flick or something. I’m not picky. We could even go to the $1.50 theater for all I care. Contrary to popular belief, most girls don’t care about location. We’re on a date with you because we trust your judgement about where to take us. Yes, you make the decisions about where we go because that’s your job. We want you to take the initiative. This also goes for where we go to have dinner. I freakin love McDonalds, so take me there if you want to. Food is just an accessory. Also, try not to judge me when I eat like a bird in front of you and then hold my hand over my mouth while chewing. I don’t know why I do this, I just do. It’s effing weird, I know. (When my Mom and Dad went on their first date my Mom didn’t eat a single bite. I get it honest, I guess).

We don’t even have to do the whole dinner and movie thing! Be creative or don’t. Like I said, GIRLS DON’T CARE. We accepted your invitation for a date because we want to hang out with you. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to impress us. You had the confidence to ask us out and that’s enough for us. And don’t be afraid to ask us out. Most girls out there are not going to straight up turn you down. Even if we don’t want to admit it, it makes us feel good about ourselves when a guy shows interest, even if we may not be initially interested in him.

So to all the girls reading this now: don’t be a bitch. Go on a date with the guy. It’s just one date and you never know what might happen. You want your life to be like a romantic comedy? THEN LET IT BE.

By the way, I’m really great with giving advice but not taking it. That’s why you love me. Right?

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10 Things You Should Know About Finding Love and Landing a Man (According to Nora Roberts)

1. Have a powerful career that will make you simply irresistible to sexy, stubborn studs. Examples include (but are not limited to): Detective, Fashion Designer, Corporate executive, and Entrepreneur.

2. If you don’t have one of these careers, be a a single mom. Bonus points if you’re struggling to get by and have some kind of hobby like making pottery. You should probably want to open up your own do-it-yourself pottery place extravaganza attached to your house because you live in some hicktown on the edge of civilization . You should have no time for romance. Love is last thing on your mind.

3. Have some type of disaster or emergency which will bring you in contact with a private detective, cop, or arson investigator.

4. THE ODDS WILL ALWAYS BE AGAINST THE FORMATION OF YOUR ROMANCE. These odds will be totally ridiculous. And the man will say something like, “But I’m just not good enough for a high-falutin’ female like you, sweet cheeks.”

5. Realize that love conquers all. And then the music will swell and everyone’s crying and cheering because isn’t love just so grand?

6. It only takes up to 3 months (or 250 pages) for your love to blossom. (Which is really awesome. I mean, it takes me  that long just to get up the nerve to make decent eye contact. MAD PROPS)

7. You will most likely get pregnant in the beginning or the end of your love affair. (I’m more partial to the end, if I have to choose. We all know that babies kill the romance, y’all. Actually, I don’t know that for a fact, but I’m pretty sure I read that once in a Redbook mag at the doc’s office)

8. Men love silk. If you don’t wear silk nighties AND have silk sheets, men will never love you. Just accept it, don’t fight it.

9. Have fiery red, sultry brunette, or honey blonde hair. None of these in-between shades, girls. Again, just accept it. And as for eye color, you better have eyes deeper than the deepest sea, or like emeralds brought to life with the intensity of a thousand suns.

10. Be a bitch. Remember, men love a challenge. Call them a jerk a few times. Be difficult. It won’t phase them.  They’ll always come back begging for your affections. Muahahahaha

Oh wait! One more for good measure. Have an incredibly uncommon name (or nickname), like Althea or Moira. The harder to pronounce, the better. Men love it when you have a name that just rolls off of their tongue like some exotic fruit juice.