- You don’t have to get with my friends. In fact, I’d rather you not do that. I’m not trying to smother you or anything like that, but you are with only me and I will keep you and love you forever. Just like Miss Emily did Homer Barron in that Faulkner story, “A Rose for Emily.” I don’t mean the part where she poisoned him with arsenic so she could lay by his dead body for eternity. I just mean the part where she loves him so much. Like I love you.
- Be funny. Or at least know how to take a joke. Be Demetri Martin.
- Don’t think it’s weird if I want to stay in bed all day and watch The Walking Dead (or any of the other million shows that I watch). And then don’t think it’s weird if I ask you a question like, “What if there’s a zombie apocalypse??? You’d risk your life to save me from a flesh-eating monster wouldn’t you??? Well???”
- Want to have children. I have this fantasy in my head of a big brood of youngins ramblin’ around the house. These children will carry on our legacy and go on to run nearby villages and towns. They are of noble origin and I want them to know that, but also be humble and give alms to the poor.
- Listen to good music. And don’t find it odd that I can go from listening to Black Sabbath to Elton John. Or, find it odd and then think, “I love this girl. Her taste in music is so…eclectic!”
- Don’t get mad at me if I say, “Jon Hamm would never do that!” or “You think Jon Hamm treats his woman like this?!” Be patient with me until I realize that Jon Hamm will never be a part of my life the way that you are.
- Don’t, under any circumstance, call me “babe.” I hate that term of endearment more than anything in the world. I would prefer “pumpkin” or “snuggly wuggly bear froo froo mamacita” over “babe” any day of the week.
- Buy the square-cut diamond. (Teeheehee giggles!)