Bieber Bangs

I’m swooping my bangs now because today I realized how much humidity sucks, rendering my hair completely unmanageable.

What’s his excuse?

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More quotes from my dentist.

I went to the dentist the other day for a cleaning.

So naturally, I have some really great, uplifting quotations for yous guys.

“If I could see at least one redhead a day, I’d be a happy man.”

Him : “Did you do something different to your hair to make it so shiny?”

Me: “Not really, I use conditioner everyday, hah”

Him: “That must be some good conditioner.”

“It’s probably that you’re getting into your early 20s. You’re in your physical prime right now.”

“You have some of the biggest pulp stones I’ve ever seen.”

I just don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t come by this hair color (which isn’t really all that red) naturally.

Got my introversion to keep me warm at night.

I kind of hate it when my friends are always like, “I wish guys knew you like WE know you. They’d be lining up and taking numbers for a date if they knew how funny you are!”

Ummm. Okay. So should I open with a knock knock joke? Or just jump right in with some deadpan remark about how tasty this keg beer is? No, I got it! I’ll ask him what his stance is on the new square bottom Solo cups. (But for real, why rock the bout, Solo cup peeps?)

Wait, quick question though. What reinforcement have women received which makes us think that being funny is the most redeeming quality we can have when attracting a dude? Cosmo does not tell us this. If Cosmo does not tell us this, it cannot be true. All we have to do is put some perfume in our cleavage and we are ready to rock and roll.

I do get what my friends are saying, though. They’re saying I shouldn’t just stand in a corner and observe the party like a psycho stalker, conjuring up spells to get that tall drink of water to come up to me. I should be active in the partay and do my fake little giggle and ‘oh-you’re-so-funny-I-wish-I-was-funny-like-you’ forearm touch/push. Teehehehehehe, I better bat those eyelashes like I mean it! Can I get some more liquid courage over here?

Really, though, I like having an understated sense of humor. I also like deluding myself into thinking that I’m that mysteeerious girl. Where does she come from? Where has she been? WHO IS SHE? Lets just say I like to surprise people when they least expect it. So then the sky opens up, cherub angels descend, and everyone’s all, “She speaks!!!”

Ah, but then again, I also kind of love it when my friends are like, “I wish guys knew you like WE know you. They’d be lining up and taking numbers for a date if they knew how funny you are!” Because at least someone gets my jokes.

Oh, enough about that! Look what Miley Cyrus would look like with Steve Buscemi’s eyes!

This site is a true comedic goldmine.

That can be my next tweet can be my next blog post.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been on a week long hiatus. I’ve had some academic crises to contend with, but all is well on that front (for now). Let’s not talk about the three research papers that are all due in the same week! Whoop there it is, boiiii! I love the end of a semester!

The thing is, I don’t really have anything to talk about. I’M WASTING YOUR TIME RIGHT NOW, LEAVE WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

Anyway, I discovered this website yesterday that generates new tweets for you based on your old tweets. Hilarity ensued. Check it:

This seems like it would be an accurate statement. Good work.

This morning, the tar pit told me to bring my green card. No idea what cutting my room means. Whatever happens, at least I have my green card, though.

The faceless dancers are coming to the cheesecake factory with us. I can’t remember who invented the hairspray shield.

I really hope that Brandon Boyd is the hub of October, seein’ as how I’ve gained the details needed to sleep with him.

I’m not sure if I am a hipster. I am also not sure if I cleaned out my day. But, I did trim my Mom and told her she was tan, which is good. I’m insane, though, so who knows if any of this is true.

The electric woman was able to bake my brownies. However, they were probably laced with hershey’s pot. This all began because of Tosh.0’s intro music.

The thing is, I can almost see myself actually saying some of these things.

Go try it! It’s fun! Everyone’s doing it!

(Stupid thing won’t let me link it. Here’s the site: http://yes.thatcan.be/my/next/tweet/)

If you wanna be my lovah…

  • You don’t have to get with my friends. In fact, I’d rather you not do that. I’m not trying to smother you or anything like that, but you are with only me and I will keep you and love you forever. Just like Miss Emily did Homer Barron in that Faulkner story, “A Rose for Emily.” I don’t mean the part where she poisoned him with arsenic so she could lay by his dead body for eternity. I just mean the part where she loves him so much. Like I love you.
  • Be funny. Or at least know how to take a joke. Be Demetri Martin.
  • Don’t think it’s weird if I want to stay in bed all day and watch The Walking Dead (or any of the other million shows that I watch). And then don’t think it’s weird if I ask you a question like, “What if there’s a zombie apocalypse??? You’d risk your life to save me from a flesh-eating monster wouldn’t you??? Well???”
  • Want to have children. I have this fantasy in my head of a big brood of youngins ramblin’ around the house. These children will carry on our legacy and go on to run nearby villages and towns. They are of noble origin and I want them to know that, but also be humble and give alms to the poor.
  • Listen to good music. And don’t find it odd that I can go from listening to Black Sabbath to Elton John. Or, find it odd and then think, “I love this girl. Her taste in music is so…eclectic!”
  • Don’t get mad at me if I say, “Jon Hamm would never do that!” or “You think Jon Hamm treats his woman like this?!” Be patient with me until I realize that Jon Hamm will never be a part of my life the way that you are.
  • Don’t, under any circumstance, call me “babe.” I hate that term of endearment more than anything in the world. I would prefer “pumpkin” or “snuggly wuggly bear froo froo mamacita” over “babe” any day of the week.
  • Buy the square-cut diamond. (Teeheehee giggles!)

My inspiration:

Glad she reminded me that I love running my fingers through soft (preferably dark) hair.


Clueless and Feminist Bible Commentary

My brain is always in pop culture mode, I swear. Somehow I’m able to relate almost anything to a pop culture classic.

Case in point:

I’m taking a Women & Religion class. Today we were talking about Paul and his letters and all that jazz. Well, apparently Paul only mentions women sporadically throughout these letters. (WOAH CALM THAT FEMINIST RAGE DOWN, LADIES)

Anyway. The word ‘sporadically’ made me think of the movie Clueless. Because of the part where Cher (Alicia Silverstone) is teaching Tai (Brittany Murphy) how to speak all proper and shiz. Well, one of Tai’s new words is ‘sporadically.’

Skip to Tai meeting Cher’s ex-stepbrother, Josh, played by the lovely PAUL Rudd. And then he says “Bye, see ya around” (or something) to her and she says “I hope not sporadically!” Har har har.

Bible Paul –> Sporadically –> Tai from Clueless –> PAUL Rudd

Full circle of Pauls y’all.

This is when he sees Cher come down the stairs in this skimpy little white dress (a glorified slip) to head out on a date with Christian.

I’m crazy. But at least I learned SOMETHING. Namely, how to always be exercising my brain. Whatever. I’m gonna go watch this now.