Doesn’t it suck that excitement over a major milestone in my life (GRADUATION FROM COLLEGE) is being overshadowed by what I see to be a big black hole called “My Future”?
I have yet to feel good about May 13, 2011 because I’m so effing worried about what comes after that. I’m not one of those “take things as they come” kind of people. I like plans. I like knowing what’s around the bend. I am the least spontaneous person you will ever meet. And I like things that way.
But do I really? I sit here and say that I like plans, but I haven’t done anything to plan for what comes after I get that diploma. I sit here and say that I like knowing what’s around the bend, but sometimes I find comfort in the fact that I don’t have to always be thinking two or three or four steps ahead. Maybe I should be a little more spontaneous. And not care so damn much about what other people think I “should” do.
I was talking to my Mom the other day about this and she said that when someone asks me what I’m doing after graduation I should just yell, “I DON’T KNOW,” in their face. Because, I mean, do they care, really? That’s like when you ask someone how they’re doing and they say, “Good” or “Fine, how are you?” You don’t expect them to say, “Well I feel like shit today to be perfectly honest!”
But I’m tired of feeling like a lesser person for saying that I’m not sure what I want to do with my life. I don’t have to know that at my age, do I? I know there are some that have it all figured out and are on the path to get what they want, even at 21 years old. And that’s great.
I just hate that I’ve let these four years of school become a means to an end. All I’ve thought about was how to get finished in a specified time, thinking nothing about what might come after. I thought the “after” part would just come naturally and sort of figure itself out. And now the “after” part has arrived and I feel stuck. And scared out of my mind. So here’s the best advice (also from my Mom): I can’t let myself hole up and hide and act like none of this happening. I have to at least try and find something to do. I am notorious for thinking that if I ignore something it will go away. But this isn’t going away. It’s coming at me full force and I need to make sure I’m braced for impact.
Alright. That’s all on that. I promise I’ll be back tomorrow talking about hot celebs and OH MY GOD, did you know that Edward Norton is engaged? And Mad Men won’t be back until early 2012???? My Earth was shattered after hearing this news. SHATTERED.