Things I’ve Always Wanted to Say

You know those phrases you hear, but you never have any reason to say them?

Am I the only one who thinks about this?

Whatever. Here are some things I’ve always wanted to say:

“But you already knew that didn’t you.”

I’m a superhero in a tight, dark purple, spandex jumpsuit. The villain has held my boyfriend (Ian Somerhalder) captive. When I confront the villain, I say, “My boyfriend, Ian Somerhalder, holds the key to the universe!” Then I slyly add (with disdain), “But you already knew that didn’t you?”

And curtain.

“Oh the humanity!”

I’m working for the ASPCA. (Just go with it, alright?) This tall, dark, handsome stud walks in. (Perhaps that hunky werewolf from True Blood). He steps up to me, looks into my eyes, and says, “I want to give a warm, safe home to one of these poor animals.” Then, with a single tear in his eye, he adds, “Those commercials that come on TV make me hurt so bad inside.” I’m so moved by this that I yell out, “Oh the humanity!” He scoops me up in his arms and carries me off into the sunset.

With our new dog in tow, of course.

“Hear Ye! Hear Ye!”

Lets pretend for a moment that I actually want to draw attention to myself and make a public announcement. I’m proposing a toast at the company Christmas party. My arch-nemesis has had one too many cups of egg nog and she’s trying to steal my glory! I’m trying to make a speech here, bee-otch! How can I draw the attention away from her without sacrificing my dignity? “Hello? I have a toast to make! Listen up people! I’M important!” No that ain’t working. Oh, silly me. Of course! I have to shout, “Hear Ye! Hear Ye!”

These peeps have whiplash they turn so fast in my direction. I am the belle of the ball. Bravo.

“Well I’m not most girls.”

I’m in a bar. I’m the classy pencil skirt-wearing woman amidst a sea of trashy jean mini skirt-wearing girls. Just minding my own, enjoying my glass of sweet red, when, oh look! It’s a Fabrizio Moretti look alike!  I act all aloof and cool and stuff. Wait! He’s coming over to me! He says, “You like Updike and Brahms’ Symphony No. 4 , too? Wow, you’re not like these other girls.” Then I say in my soft, sexy voice, “Well I’m not most girls.” He proposes to me right then and there.

I say yes.

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6 thoughts on “Things I’ve Always Wanted to Say

  1. I understand..here are some phrases I have always wanted to utter….
    I’ll Take The Money
    Scenario #1- I am dressed as a large banana, when suddenly there appears the man of my dreams- Monty Hall. With his pencil microphone he calls me forward and says Let’s Make a Deal! The crowd goes wild!! Lights, camera, action…and my banana costume looks amazing. Just as I’m offered the choice between a Moped, a year’s supply of Ramen Noodles, or Turtle Wax…I scream..”I’ll Take the Money! I’ll Take the Money!”
    I’ll Be Back
    Scenario #2- There is an innocent elder woman cowering in the corner, she is surrounded by gang members with gold teeth, whips and chains, and tattoo covered muscles. She fears for her life and the towns safety…when KapoW…out I jump in my silver plated half robot uniform and kick a little gangsta’ ass (sorry butt just doesn’t have the same effect)! As the gang members lay whimpering in pain on the sidewalk I walk off without a glance and say…if you come near this town again….”I’ll be back!”
    I also love the catch phrase …”you know what really Grinds my Gears”, but I’ll spare you!
    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

  2. Oh my god we are meant to be friends… I am in COMPLETE love with Ian Somerhalder AND the werewolf from True Blood. You just forgot James Franco, he’s smart, creative, and sexy. Can someone please make polygamy legal??

    • In this modern day and age, James Franco is the only man who can successfully rock a moustache without looking like an 80’s porn star. Ya know, I think I could devote an entire blog post to James Franco. I love his voice.

      I didn’t know you watched True Blood! I freakin love that show! So addicting.

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