Things I’ve Always Wanted to Say

You know those phrases you hear, but you never have any reason to say them?

Am I the only one who thinks about this?

Whatever. Here are some things I’ve always wanted to say:

“But you already knew that didn’t you.”

I’m a superhero in a tight, dark purple, spandex jumpsuit. The villain has held my boyfriend (Ian Somerhalder) captive. When I confront the villain, I say, “My boyfriend, Ian Somerhalder, holds the key to the universe!” Then I slyly add (with disdain), “But you already knew that didn’t you?”

And curtain.

“Oh the humanity!”

I’m working for the ASPCA. (Just go with it, alright?) This tall, dark, handsome stud walks in. (Perhaps that hunky werewolf from True Blood). He steps up to me, looks into my eyes, and says, “I want to give a warm, safe home to one of these poor animals.” Then, with a single tear in his eye, he adds, “Those commercials that come on TV make me hurt so bad inside.” I’m so moved by this that I yell out, “Oh the humanity!” He scoops me up in his arms and carries me off into the sunset.

With our new dog in tow, of course.

“Hear Ye! Hear Ye!”

Lets pretend for a moment that I actually want to draw attention to myself and make a public announcement. I’m proposing a toast at the company Christmas party. My arch-nemesis has had one too many cups of egg nog and she’s trying to steal my glory! I’m trying to make a speech here, bee-otch! How can I draw the attention away from her without sacrificing my dignity? “Hello? I have a toast to make! Listen up people! I’M important!” No that ain’t working. Oh, silly me. Of course! I have to shout, “Hear Ye! Hear Ye!”

These peeps have whiplash they turn so fast in my direction. I am the belle of the ball. Bravo.

“Well I’m not most girls.”

I’m in a bar. I’m the classy pencil skirt-wearing woman amidst a sea of trashy jean mini skirt-wearing girls. Just minding my own, enjoying my glass of sweet red, when, oh look! It’s a Fabrizio Moretti look alike!  I act all aloof and cool and stuff. Wait! He’s coming over to me! He says, “You like Updike and Brahms’ Symphony No. 4 , too? Wow, you’re not like these other girls.” Then I say in my soft, sexy voice, “Well I’m not most girls.” He proposes to me right then and there.

I say yes.

Advertisements

Wishing You A Very Hairy Christmas

I forgot to do a No-Shave-November post (gasp!) so I’m giving myself and whoever reads this an early Christmas gift!

So, feast your eyes on these beautiful beards:

Jon Hamm

I love this man. I love this man with a beard. I hate his girlfriend/wife/life partner/whatever. I love this man.

Richie Tenenbaum

Lets just forget how he was in love with his adopted sister. Lets also forget that this is vaguely reminiscent of John McEnroe circa 1977.

Jake Gyllenhaal

I swear I purred when I saw this. Really. I purred.

Noah Calhoun

You row that boat, baby. You row that boat good.

Eisenheim The Illusionist

Will I have your babies? HELLZ YEAH.

Sawyer*


I HAVE FRECKLES. CALL ME FRECKLES.

Real men have beards.

Merry Christmas!

*I know Sawyer doesn’t technically have a full-on beard, but I DON’T CARE.


How I Deal…with Finals.

It’s finals week here.

Where will you find me?

In the library? Nah, probably not, unless my roommate drags me out of the apartment kicking and screaming, “You’ll never take me alive!”

In a cool, hip coffee shop drinking my cool, hip coffee drink? Nah, probably not. Those places are mad intimidating. I feel like if I go in there all eyes will shoot to the newbie girl in the doorway. “Why is she here?” They snicker to their friends. Also, I don’t own a beanie.

Perhaps I’m studying at a friend’s place? Nah, because none of my friends study in a place that isn’t a library.

Here’s where you’ll find me:

In my bed, curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, chanting, “Noooo, Why meeee?, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??”

I’ve never been a good test taker. My mom said I started crying once, in first grade, when I was given a “test.”

THERE’S JUST SO MUCH PRESSURE I CAN’T HANDLE IT. SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM THIS EXAM WEEK HELL.

In other big news, my kitty cat drawing is complete!

I talk about this thing like it’s my child. Did you hear about Kitty Cat making it to the last round in her spelling bee? She slipped up on a silly word, she’s so torn up about it. But we went to Subway-TCBY afterward so she could have her favorite fro-yo. You know what flavor her favorite fro-yo is? Chocolate.

Doggy Doggy Bow Wow Wow

Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Meow

Missed Connections

Sometimes when I’m bored or when I’m putting off writing a paper on something I have no clue about (WHAT THE EFF IS SUBSTANCE DUALISM?), I read missed connections on craigslist.

I have yet to find a legitimately cute one. Not that I expect to, since most of these are outrageously creepy.

Some examples include:

You Took Xrays of Me…

I must admit that you made my ER visit very pleasant because you were so professional, yet gentle. I never knew that getting Xrays taken could be so seductive until you showed me how gentle, kind, patient, and professional you could be. More than anything, I didn’t want to leave you. If this is my guy, email me and let me know the first letter, in your first name so I will know that it’s you.

(I have my own personal Xray machine at home if you would like to come over sometime. Then you will never leave me. I will keep you forever.)

Smoke Shop Girl…

You were so cute behind the counter in your new coat. I don’t know why I didn’t ask you out but I really should have. Especially after you knocked the phone off the wall…

(I know your coat is new because I watched you buy it. I love to watch you buy things. I love to watch you knock phones off of walls. I love to watch you.)

Hottie in my room last night

You were in my room last night but you thought I wanted more than you were willing to give. I would love to have you come by again please reply

(If you are now willing to give more than you thought I wanted you to give me, let me know so we can each get and give what each of us wants to give and get.)

Stalker???

To the gorgeous girl that seemed to have been with me at each of my stops in Friday night. I really wish that there would have been just a little more time left to the night. I has so many more things to say.

In case you don’t remember we sat on the couch together at O’Malley’s. I even remember the comment made about the cougar in the cheetah undies. I saw you in the car next to me on the way down Glenwood. And at the banr at Napper’s. You were the most stunning woman that I saw anywhere that I looked and your smile made me smile each time that I saw it.

Please find me…I really want to see you again.

(In case you don’t remember, I love you. I even remember telling you I love you. I said I loved the cougar’s cheetah undies, but I really meant that I love you. I saw you next to me in the car and I wrote “I love you” in the condensation on my car window. When I look at you and see you smile I know that I love you.)

Trinity Park Surprise

Cruising through Trinity Park this morning on my way to somewhere else…

When…

Oh wow, did I run across a beautiful surprise!!!

What a knock out. Amazing. Smoking. Stunning.

What were you doing outside in those tiny blue shorts and your Ug boots?

It was awfully cold.

But you were on fire. You looked so hot, I couldn’t focus on class all morning, as the memory of you kept resurfacing and distracting me.

Would love to exchange pics and see more of you.

(I want to see what your feet look like when you aren’t wearing those Ugg boots. I think I would love your feet. Send me a pic of your feet.)

Sufficiently creeped out yet? I sure as hell am.

HAVE FINALS, MUST STUDY.

facebookfacebookfacebook

Facebook Ads:

They know what you want:

How could they have guessed that I wanted to buy my animal-lovin’ roommate an embroidered pillow? Hey Britt, if I give you a pillow with Fanny’s face gracing the front, can we get rid of the real Fanny? No fuss no muss, just sweet cuddly love that doesn’t breathe on you or scratch you or make the place smell like a pet shop.

(CALM DOWN I’M ONLY JOKING)

They know what you need:

They know that it’s the end of the semester and I have all the money in the world to spend on overpriced notebooks, hoodies, and booty shorts with “State Girl” written on the butt!

They even know WHO YOU ARE:

I have allure because I read Allure magazine. I am mysterious because I love a good mystery novel. I am very passionately minded about things such as chocolate, Edward Norton, and cleaning supplies. I am the queen of mischief since I sneak candy into the movies ALL THE TIME, y’all. I tend to keep my sense of humor a secret (because I’m a woman of mystery, remember?) so when I meet someone new I am virtually mute. I am undeniably sensual in that I sometimes wear tighter clothing than other times.