You know those phrases you hear, but you never have any reason to say them?
Am I the only one who thinks about this?
Whatever. Here are some things I’ve always wanted to say:
“But you already knew that didn’t you.”
I’m a superhero in a tight, dark purple, spandex jumpsuit. The villain has held my boyfriend (Ian Somerhalder) captive. When I confront the villain, I say, “My boyfriend, Ian Somerhalder, holds the key to the universe!” Then I slyly add (with disdain), “But you already knew that didn’t you?”
“Oh the humanity!”
I’m working for the ASPCA. (Just go with it, alright?) This tall, dark, handsome stud walks in. (Perhaps that hunky werewolf from True Blood). He steps up to me, looks into my eyes, and says, “I want to give a warm, safe home to one of these poor animals.” Then, with a single tear in his eye, he adds, “Those commercials that come on TV make me hurt so bad inside.” I’m so moved by this that I yell out, “Oh the humanity!” He scoops me up in his arms and carries me off into the sunset.
With our new dog in tow, of course.
“Hear Ye! Hear Ye!”
Lets pretend for a moment that I actually want to draw attention to myself and make a public announcement. I’m proposing a toast at the company Christmas party. My arch-nemesis has had one too many cups of egg nog and she’s trying to steal my glory! I’m trying to make a speech here, bee-otch! How can I draw the attention away from her without sacrificing my dignity? “Hello? I have a toast to make! Listen up people! I’M important!” No that ain’t working. Oh, silly me. Of course! I have to shout, “Hear Ye! Hear Ye!”
These peeps have whiplash they turn so fast in my direction. I am the belle of the ball. Bravo.
“Well I’m not most girls.”
I’m in a bar. I’m the classy pencil skirt-wearing woman amidst a sea of trashy jean mini skirt-wearing girls. Just minding my own, enjoying my glass of sweet red, when, oh look! It’s a Fabrizio Moretti look alike! I act all aloof and cool and stuff. Wait! He’s coming over to me! He says, “You like Updike and Brahms’ Symphony No. 4 , too? Wow, you’re not like these other girls.” Then I say in my soft, sexy voice, “Well I’m not most girls.” He proposes to me right then and there.
I say yes.