How to Talk Dirty to Your Man (If I Wrote for Cosmo...)

Whether you’re texting, emailing, talking on the phone or in person, here are some examples of what you can say to your guy that will get him so hot and bothered he won’t be able to contain himself…if you know what we mean…wink wink…you do know what we mean, right girls?

(What we mean is that all of these statements will give him an erection. Did you know that men get an average of 11 erections per day? Have we told you that fact yet? Do you even know what an erection is? Flip to page 45 for more secret penis facts!)

“What am I wearing right now? An old p.e. shirt and those faded cotton undies you love with ‘Huggable’ written on the butt. You like that well-worn look don’t you, baby?”

“Let’s do some role playing. You be Khal Drogo and I’ll be Khaleesi. Say I’m the moon of your life! Say it! Yes! Yes! YESSSS!”

“Whaddaya say we watch a litte porn tonight? A little food porn. I get Food Network with my premium satellite package.”

“Wanna come over later and we can finish that jigsaw puzzle of the Gothic cathedral? Medieval architecture gets me so hot, baby.”

“Tell you what I’m doing right now? I’m laying on my bed. I’m wearing nothing except black lace crotchless panties (I’m wearing sweatpants and  a giant t-shirt with holes in the arm pits). I’m imagining that you’re here with me (I’m trying to find something to watch on Netflix while scrolling through tumblr). Now, tell me what you want me to do (Tell me what I should watch on Netflix. Breaking Bad or Lost? And remind me to show you this gif of a bunny rabbit eating lettuce).”

“Ohh, I love it when you pull my hair….out of the shower drain when it gets clogged. Thanks, baby. That’s so hot, baby.”

“Let’s reenact that scene from 9 1/2 Weeks where young Mickey Rourke blindfolds Kim Basinger and feeds her all those different foods. But, like, minus the blindfolds because there’s a new episode of Revenge on tonight and it’s getting super intense and I can’t miss it, baby.”

“Oh! We can also reenact the scene from 9 1/2 Weeks where young Mickey Rourke runs the ice cube down Kim Basinger’s body. But, like, minus the ice cube because that would be really fucking cold, baby.”

“Sure, I’ll do a little striptease for you. How bout I cover my entire body in strips of bacon and we can eat our way to my naked flesh?”